How to Ask for a Raise, and Love It
For some people, asking for a raise is as simple as opening their mouths and letting some sassy words fly out. For others, they would rather rinse their nose with fermented bile than ask for more money.
I used to be firmly in the latter camp.
I remember 15 years ago when I started my career at a fast-growing startup. I felt I had finally established myself at the firm through hard work and deserved a raise. However, to get a raise, I had to ask. And I dreaded the necessary conversation with my boss, Mason, the company’s VP. So I googled every possible article about how to ask for a raise, but still didn’t have the guts to ask him.
Things were running wild in my mind:
“What if he thought I was a greedy jerk?
What if he didn’t think I deserved it?
What if he says NO?
What if he says YES, but hates me for it, and gets back at me in the future?
What if he fires me on the spot?
What if he starts laughing hysterically, sings a rap song, sprays me with a water gun, then calls immigration to get me deported?” (If you were an immigrant, you would understand the added stress of preserving your job and thus legal status in this country.)
With fear, your mind can go to weird places
I couldn’t sleep the night before. I wanted to vomit just thinking about it. When the day came, I full-on panicked. To avoid the conversation, I let my crocodile brain take over and made an in-the-moment decision – something no one should ever do.
I went to my boss’ boss, the company’s CEO, asking for a raise. I hated asking my boss for a raise so much I went around him.
The CEO said he’ll consider it, then went to my boss Mason asking what the hell was going on. Why was his employee not feeling secure enough to ask him for a raise directly, and had to go to the CEO? The CEO questioned Mason’s leadership, the stability of his department, and my maturity.
Mason was mortified. With a single action I took due to my own fear, I undermined him, made a fool of myself, and put my job in jeopardy.
But I was also lucky. Mason was a good, good man. He came to me telling me he was offering me a raise, but also implored me not to go over his head to the CEO anymore. And he asked me what he did to cause my action. I didn’t know what to say, because the only reason was that I was afraid of the conversation and possible rejection.
My story had a happy ending. After all these years, Mason and I are somehow still friends. But until today, I still let out occasional yelps just thinking about how much I embarrassed him and myself. Moreover, I have continued to ponder why I avoided the conversation so radically to make that terrible decision and get both of us into that situation.
Me thinking about that moment today
I found two main reasons:
1. I didn’t want to be judged. I didn’t want to be seen as greedy or disloyal, someone who, instead of focusing on the work, being a good soldier and serving the customer, all he cared about was making more money.
2. I didn’t want to face the discomfort and the potential rejection. If Mason said NO, I had no idea how to handle it other than being upset and embarrassed.
Does this sound like you? Do you have similar experiences of dreading asking for a raise so much, that you avoided it at all costs, even to your detriment? (Feel free to share with me)
Now almost two decades later, things have changed. Through Rejection Therapy, I went from someone deadly afraid of rejection to a rejection expert. Over the years, as an employer myself, I have personally been asked for many raises. I have researched this type of scenario from many angles, and have studied the psychology of all parties involved. Moreover, I have also received countless similar stories from my readers. I have coached many of them on how to ask for a raise the Rejection Proof way.
Can you ask for a raise, get what you want, and not hurt your relationship with your boss in the long term? Instead of dreading the conversation so much, can you actually enjoy the negotiation process? Can you handle it and turn it into a positive if you get a NO?
Yes, you can!
How you should ask for a raise
Today, I want to share some of the tips with you in three main principles:
1. Turn the asking-for-a-raise question into a relationship builder.
One of the main reasons people hate this conversation so much is because they don’t want to ruin their relationship. Most people feel they have to choose either loyalty or disloyalty. It’s one way or the other. And asking for a raise make them look like the latter.
But the truth is, asking the right way can show your loyalty.
Position your ask like this: “Mason, over the past year and a half, I have really enjoyed working at the company. I have learned so much about the business and grown a lot personally. Now, recruiters are constantly bombarding me on LinkedIn, and I’ve known a few friends who have switched jobs to make more money and higher titles. That’s not what I want. I want to be here and continue to accomplish our goals. That said, I believe I’ve done a good job and do deserve a raise, and I would like to ask for one. I want to feel well-compensated, so I can focus on my work and not be distracted.”
This way, you ask for a raise while demonstrating your loyalty and love for the work. As someone who has hired (and fired) many people, I would rather chew on a kidney stone than lose a capable and loyal employee over a bit of money. The cost of lost productivity and hiring and training a new person could be devastating. If I can pay my employees a little more so they can stay happy for the long term, it’s a no-brainer.
Moreover, you have just demonstrated your character. Your company would feel safe about developing and promoting you long-term because you are not an immediate flight threat… at least not over money without telling them first.
2. Advocate for your family and your cause instead of yourself.
Another reason people don’t ask for money is the fear of being seen as a selfish and greedy person who only cares about money.
You can solve this fear. One of the most effective positionings I’ve researched is advocating for another person or a cause. It gives you an immense amount of power in negotiating. It’s called the Mama Bear Effect – think about an otherwise gentle mama bear fighting like a lethal beast, all to protect her cubs.
Position your request like this: “Mason, I have been very happy with my work and growth, and I believe the feeling goes both ways. That said, I would like to ask for a raise because my family has been under a lot of stress lately due to inflation. The added cost of everyday living has made it hard for us to budget daycare for my kids. As a dad, I want to make sure my wife and kids know that I am doing a good job at work means they are better taken care of at home. If my family is happy, I’m happy.”
You see, you can completely change the power dynamics with this position. Now you are like a lawyer advocating for your client, in this case, your family, not a greedy bastard. (Picture yourself shouting with force, “objection, your honor! My client deserves better treatment!”)
This raise is for my family!
3. If rejected, ask “how”.
Now, what do you do when everything you’ve tried has failed? Your boss didn’t budge. Instead, he gave you very reasonable and logical responses, as a trained manager would. Something like:
“I wish I could say yes. Trust me, I do. But we are entering a recession, our budget was cut, and the entire company has been put on hiring freeze.”
“Jia, I am on your side and really hope to give you the raise. But you need to demonstrate more capability. Your sales number was good, but it could be better!”
“I, as the manager, would need to balance the wellness and happiness of everyone on the team. Just between you and me, you are already paid more than most of your teammates.”
Now, what do you do? You just got rejected after your best effort. Do you storm off now? Do you pull out your own water gun and aim at your boss’ eyes? Call immigration on him? (For heaven’s sake, please don’t do that.)
When your boss says you are already among the highest paid
One of the most magical words I teach people after rejection is to use the word “how.”
“Well, Mason… that’s disappointing, but I understand your difficult position. OK, how can I get the raise then? It is and will be very important to me to feel well compensated. So what can we do to make it happen?”
You see. You just put the ball in his court. There is no logical way for him to say, “you are never getting it, man. Dream on!” In this case, Mason is responsible for laying out the steps for this to happen. You listen intently. Write down what he says, and send him an email recap as a reminder.
If the proposed course of action is reasonable and within your control, do your best to fulfill that requirement, and talk to your boss again. But if that proposal is some insane BS designed to be unreachable, then you have a bad boss on your hand, and you should talk to those LinkedIn recruiters.
Very few people enjoy rejection and confrontation. Most would rather stew in anger for years before making a move to ask for a raise. But research has shown that you have a 70% chance of getting something just by asking.
But with the power of rejection, you can request a raise with confidence and get the maximum result. You will also have a plan if things don’t go your way. This power applies to many more situations than just asking for a raise or promotion. Want to make a sale? Ask for funding for your company? Get someone to be your mentor or business partner? Give yourself a shot at the man/woman of your dream? If you can master the power of rejection, it’s truly a superpower.
Start your Rejection journey today!
Jia
How I Got My Email List Back
I love Mailchimp, an email marketing tool and use it to organize my email list and deliver emails to my readers, the people who made me who I am today. Mailchimp isn’t cheap, and I spend thousands of dollars for their service. But I care about my readers much, much more than money. So the money spent on good software is worth it. After all these years, Mailchimp and I are like an old couple.
That said, just like any relationship, my marriage with Mailchimp hasn’t been without rocky periods. In fact, for a moment, it looked like we were headed for a pretty nasty divorce. But the skills I’ve learned through the Power of Rejection saved our marriage.
Here is how it went down:
One day in June 2019, I received a message from my publisher (the company that published my book - Rejection Proof) telling me that they will run an Amazon promotion on June 26 to sell my book for only $1.99 on Kindle. They implored me to announce this deal to my readers.
Great deal right? What could go wrong?
You know what? That was an incredible deal. I loved writing my book and put all my energy and effort into writing it back in 2015. But in 2019, I had long moved on from marketing my book, or even trying to make money from it. At that point, Rejection Proof was only there to help others. So if my price-conscious (cough *cheap* cough) readers have the chance to read the book for the price of a pack of gums, I should let everyone know. Right?
Moreover, I was laser-focused on building a mobile app at the time. I hadn’t written emails to my readers for a long-time, and I felt guilty for neglecting them. So I thought I should send them a public service announcement email informing them of the deal.
So on June 26, I wrote the following to my email list:
I was trying to inform my readers about the deal while being self-deprecating. And after sending it, I didn’t think too much of it. Who bought the book, or how many have bought it, I didn’t know and didn’t care. With $1.99 per book, I wouldn’t make a penny. But this should build goodwill, and nothing bad will happen. Right? Right?
Boy, was I wrong? All hell broke loose after I sent this email.
Two days later, I got the following email from Mailchimp:
I was flabbergasted. What happened?
I right away replied to Mailchimp looking for answers. As it turned out, I made a big rookie mistake. Since I hadn’t sent any emails to my readers for over a year, many people had already forgotten who I was and how/where they signed up. When my first email was seen as “promotional,” without any fancy banners or graphics, many people mistook me for a spammer/scammer, so they complained and even unsubscribed. It triggered a red flag to a “large Internet service provider” (maybe AT&T, or Comcast, who knows), which sent a warning to Mailchimp.
For Mailchimp, a business built on delivering emails to readers, pissing off any “larger Internet service provider” was bad for business. So they questioned my use of email lists and suspended my account.
To restore service, they asked me to:
Delete all emails that were dormant for over a year. Justification: These emails are stale. They have probably forgotten who you are, so you should delete them, so they don’t complain.
Delete all emails I’ve manually collected outside of online forms.
Delete my social security number and birth certificate from the government. Announce to the world that I have sinned and should die.
I made the #3 up, but it sure felt like it at the time. And both #1 and #2 were true.
I was irate. What Mailchimp was asking was truly unacceptable.
At the time, since I hadn’t sent an email to my readers for a long time, almost ALL my emails would be considered dormant. So I would have to lose my entire list. Then what’s the use for Mailchimp?
At the end of my live speeches, I would verbally recruit people interested in testing my app to text me their emails. I would then manually load them up on Mailchimp and send them instructions. Deleting all these emails would make me unable to manage this group.
Over the years, I’ve paid tens of thousands of dollars to Mailchimp to use their service. I had never made any infractions, but only this one time. And even this one time was with innocent intent. I couldn’t believe Mailchimp would treat a loyal customer this way.
So I angrily wrote back to Mailchimp as such.
No. Mailchimp wouldn’t budge based on my “reasoning” and complained. They also added this line:
That’s it!!! At this point, I was happy to oblige.
Over the next three months, I tried all kinds of alternative software: Convertkit, Aweber, ActiveCampaign, etc. But here is the issue: switching was hard when you have used a service for so long and have been happy with it. All the other products didn’t feel right. For what I was trying to accomplish - newsletters, blog posts, and some interactions, Mailchimp was perfect for what I was doing.
More importantly, I started having second-thought about switching because of the reason in the first place. I had a fight with Mailchimp, if I were to keep using the marriage analogy. It wasn’t anything related to features, prices, and user interface. It was all based on emotions and a sense of injustice. Emotions, no matter how justified, usually result in lose-lose outcomes.
If somehow Mailchimp and I could kiss and make up, I would be happily back with them.
Do you ever get the feeling for your old software?
Here is where the marriage analogy falls short: with your estranged spouse, you have to sit down with her to figure things out. You are still dealing with the same person. And the person might not change after all.
But with business. Business is… well, business. Mailchimp is not a person with a single personality. It’s made of hundreds if not thousands of employees. So it’s worth to try with a different person.
Through the Rejection Therapy training, I knew what to do:
So I wrote them the following as the last ditch effort:
Dear Mailchimp Support Manager,
It's been three months since my account has been suspended. Before I migrate my entire list to another service, I feel there is a sense of reluctance and sadness within me. I have been using Mailchimp since 2013, and I have grown to become familiar with the service. I love Mailchimp, and it has served me well. Looking at what caused our issues and your demands, I want to give it one last shot to see if we can achieve a compromise before having to say goodbye permanently.
1. Removal of all contacts collected offline. I have already done this. In fact, I have deleted an entire list of emails that didn't specifically opt into my newsletter.
2. Removal of all inactive contacts added over 12 months ago and who have not opened any emails recently: this one is the one I had issues with because of its impracticality and unfairness in my case. I sent out one campaign in the past six months, ONE! What you are requesting is that I delete all long-time readers who didn't open that one campaign, which is the majority of my list. I was never informed that I needed to fulfill this requirement in order to keep the list active. I understand it's a suggestion and best practice, but not a requirement.
So here is my suggestion: you restore my account. I will be very cautious in sending out future campaigns. I will also ask them to unsubscribe if they don’t want to hear from me. My list is composed of my fans, and they are very loyal and engaged. But if they don't want to hear from me, I will be happy to remove them.
If my campaign triggers another warning, I would also be happy to shut down the service and leave.
I hope you can see my attempt and effort in trying to find a reasonable compromise to salvage our business relationship. Let me know your thoughts.
Thanks!
A long-time customer
In this email, I used three different tools in the Power of Rejection:
Loss aversion: I mentioned I had been with Mailchimp since 2013 to show my loyalty. I talked about the great relationship we have enjoyed. If we were to say “goodbye permanently,” it would be a loss for both Mailchimp and me. No business wants to lose loyal customers who buy from there over and over. So there were also incentives for Mailchimp to preserve the relationship.
Reciprocity: I mentioned that I’d made compromises to resume the relationship. People are emotional beings. Emotions can go either way. It can both hurt or help. In this case, I demonstrated goodwill by making an effort. People naturally want to return in kind when they see the other party making sincere compromises.
Solutions: I spelled out concrete and reasonable solutions to our current issues, including actions from both parties. For me, I wanted my service restored. For Mailchimp, they wanted to make sure I wouldn’t abuse their services, which I didn’t any way other than the one-time snafu.
When you take emotions out of business discussions and use these Rejection-salvaging principles, conversations would turn positive in a hurry.
A rep from Mailchimp replied right away, thanking me for reaching out and wanting to find a compromise. After explaining their original position, here is what they wrote:
And that is all it mattered. My service was restored.
Since that day, it has been all happiness and satisfaction between Mailchimp and me. I’ve continued to spend thousands of dollars every year. In fact, Mailchimp hired me as a speaker at one of their marketing events this year, so I made some of my money back. Hey Mailchimp, you are not the only one who charges people for service!
For the vast majority of us, this IS life. Our life is made of thousands of tedious negotiations. What if, through training and knowledge, you can maintain composure, restore and enhance relationships, and get what you want more times than not? Wouldn’t it make a difference?
Take the Power of Rejection course if you want to learn and practice the skills to win these negotiations in the face of rejections, whether it’s for spectacular victories or everyday small successes.
Jia
When Should You Quit?
“Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never…” - Winston Churchill
“Winner never quit and quitters never win” - Vince Lombardi
“If you stop now you are a damn loser!” - my dad yelling at the young Jia
Are you inspired yet? These are the quotes we see everywhere: on wall posters, on images of clouds and mountains, and out of the mouth of every sports coach. You also hear real stories of athletes, entrepreneurs, and artists who have persevered through hell to accomplish unimaginable feats.
So you should never give up on your goals, no matter what it takes, right?
Never give up? Never never never?
But what if you actually never accomplish your dream? For every movie or athletic star, there are thousands, if not tens of thousands of people who tried just as hard but never made it. Some clung to their dream for so long that they spent their whole life or youth pursuing it. What if they had pivoted earlier and found success in something else? Wouldn’t that be a better life?
So you also hear these quotes:
“Don’t throw good money after bad.” - Croatian Proverb
“If that doesn’t work, try something else.” - Richard Russo
“That’s enough! Go home, for heaven’s sake! It’s time for dinner!” - my mom yelling at the young Jia
Forget about “to be or not to be.” The real Shakespearean question in life should be “to quit or not to quit.”
I teach people not to fear rejection, and not to give up easily after rejection. And I hear a lot of people ask this question, “how many rejections do I need to take before I should give up.” It’s easy to say, never give up. But I know that’s bad advice.
Life is about both victories and trials and errors. It’s about both perseverance and experimentation.
At what point do you let go?
So when do you give up?
The answer is up to you, not in a “follow your heart” way but in a number-driven way.
I teach people a tool I have developed through Rejection Therapy. It’s called the Rejection Runway.
If your dream and project involve the acceptance of someone else, you will consequently get tons of rejections. For projects such as getting your dream job, getting a promotion/raise, selling a product, getting funding for your company, etc., the Rejection Runway is a great tool to judge when to persevere and when to pivot in your pursuit.
Before your project, think of the number of rejections you would take before you quit. Write that number on a post-it note and stick it on your wall. That’s your Rejection Runway. Then, every time you get rejected, subtract one from that number. Don’t give up your pursuit until that number hits zero. And if it does hit zero. QUIT! And do so with your head up and no regret.
Now, the initial number is based on the nature of your project and how much it means to you.
For example, if the project is to convince my wife that we should go to Hawaii for vacation instead of Maine, that number is around 3. (If it’s Hawaii vs. Oklahoma, I’ll raise that number to 50 and think about breaking my leg on purpose.)
If it’s to get a dream job, say at Google, I might set the number to 100.
But if it’s for something so meaningful, say to save my kid’s life, that number will be infinite.
When to keep going and when to quit. The Rejection Runway will show the way.
Why the Rejection Runway is fantastic:
1. It prevents you from quitting too easily. We quit too early rather than too late with the vast majority of pursuits. The pain of rejection will have you second-guess your decision and run for cover all the time. In projects which might take 20 rejections to get a YES, most people quit after 1 or 2. Having an ample runway, say 50, will give you a much better chance to help you reach your goal before quitting.
2. It prevents you from quitting too late. Some people have the opposite problem - they keep spending time, money, and effort on a project beyond what it is worth, because they don’t know when to quit. Having the runway to guide you when to quit will prevent the following psychological traps:
The Gambler’s Fallacy - you keep believing the next try will give you the result, so you keep going until you gamble away all your resources and then some.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy - you’ve invested so much effort that you would not allow yourself to quit, because you can’t justify the resource that’s already spent, so you keep spending more.
Once you install the Rejection Runway, you will be able to properly assess how much this project means to you. It will tell you when it’s the right time to quit.
What if rejection can become your fuel?
3. It turns rejection, the problem we fear the most, into mental fuel. Think about gasoline, the thing that powers and propels your car forward. You will keep going until your gas meter shows zero. Now, rejection has just become your gasoline, and your Rejection Runway has become your fuel meter. So instead of you fearing rejection, you will start loving it.
Try the Rejection Runway in your next project that requires rejections, and let me know how it goes.
Jia
What You Did After Rejections
I asked many of my readers to send me their own stories about not giving up after rejections in my previous post - How I Saved $25K with One Simple Decision. To be frank, I was more or less expecting a few more passport/driver’s license stories.
I was blown away by what I read. Here are some of the stories:
From L, an author, and speaking coach:
My story: I wanted a blurb from a speaking mentor of mine who is an NYTimes bestselling author. I sent an email pitch to him and received a polite reply from an assistant saying that he felt it was too much overlap with what he did. It felt like a conflict of interest. I didn’t agree about the conflict but wasn’t sure how to articulate it.
Later that week, I happened across a LinkedIn post of Barbara Corcoran’s in which she shared the letter she sent to Shark Tank after she was turned down for the job. I woke up the next morning thinking: I can do this too. I wrote back saying that I must not have articulated the premise of the book well enough because, in fact, by reading my book, readers would be in a perfect position to take advantage of my mentor’s program (which I soft promote in the book.)
That day, my mentor personally wrote to thank me for the clarification, and if he were to write a blurb, what would I ideally want it to say? Success!
Jia’s thoughts: as an author, I know the pain on both sides of blurb requests. When I wrote my book a few years ago, very few people knew who I was, so I begged 20 bestselling authors I knew to blurb my book to give it more credibility. Nowadays, I have become an established author myself, I get tons of requests from other up-and-coming authors to do the same for their books.
In fact, it’s more painful to be on the receiving end of the requests because I am forced to say a lot of NOs. I simply don’t have the time to read other people’s manuscripts… heck I don’t even want to read my second grader’s homework, and his academic trajectory is that of a homeless person.
Me when getting another blurb request.
But how can I blurb others’ books if I don’t read them? What if the book stinks? What if the author advocates cannibalism in the book? If I endorse it without knowing, my name might be forever linked with the human-flesh-diet.
It’s a catch-22. So I will just have to say NO to all of them.
So, how did L get a YES from her mentor after the initial rejection? There were three Rejection Proof principles involved here:
1. Targeting - You are much more likely to get a YES if you target the right person. In this case, she asked her mentor, who knew her well, and she asked him twice. The mentor also had incentives to preserve the relationship. So it’s easier for him to say YES.
2. Win-win - she handled the objection by spelling out the benefit to the would-be endorser - promoting his program in her book. Let me tell you a secret: this is the face of most authors when someone else is promoting their work for free.
When someone's promoting your work for free.
3. Lowering risks - additionally, by selling her mentor the benefit of endorsing her, L demonstrated that she’s a savvy and empathetic person. In the mentor’s mind, this would lower the potential risks of linking his name with her book. Because a savvy and empathetic person usually doesn’t write books about eating other people in her books.
From V, a corporate employee:
This was one year ago when I was hunting for my first ever corporate job. There were a lot of rejections I received from my interviews.
Then I message people on LinkedIn--there’s one remarkable person who referred me to his colleague from his old company. This colleague interviewed me. But I never heard back from her again.
If I am too obedient in following that fate of rejections after rejections, I’ll just succumb to pitying myself. But I chose to message the person on LinkedIn and update him on my interview process. A few months later, the LinkedIn guy had a posting. I got it, with a desired position and salary.
The funniest part, the colleague who interviewed me also became my workmate.
Thanks for sharing this, Jia! I’ve been so stressed out about work lately, but this motivated me somehow. Have a great rest of the week!
Jia’s thoughts: V’s example here should be used in job search textbooks. The #1 tool I teach job-seekers is getting a degree from Harvard. If that’s not possible, #2 would be getting a referral, even from strangers.
Research has shown that while only 7% of job applicants have referrals, 40% of jobs are given to referred candidates. So V was very astute in asking for referrals here. She might or might not know this LinkedIn connection well, but a referral is a referral. That’s all it mattered.
Unfortunately, V still got rejected. In fact, ghosting is the worst form of rejection. That’s where most people stop with their effort. But she was able to turn it around by using a couple of additional techniques:
1. Mind-refresh - V gave updates to the LinkedIn connection who referred her. It kept her fresh in her mind. So when a job opened up, V’s name was at the top. In this busy world, our minds are occupied by everything everywhere all at once. Reminding people that you are still on the job market is a great way to get opportunities fed to you.
2. Gratitude - attitude matters a lot in handling rejections. V showed respect and appreciation for her LinkedIn connection even though the referral didn’t work out. It showed that V wasn’t just using her to get what she wanted.
It also unconsciously injected some motivation and perhaps a tinge of guilt in the LinkedIn connection’s mind because her colleague ghosted V. That might or might not have prompted her to help V with another interview and eventually the job, but it couldn’t have hurt.
What you do after a rejection shows a lot about you. Use it as an opportunity to demonstrate your character and emotional intelligence to others and yourself.
Every rejection is an opportunity to show your character.
From D, an artist
When I wanted to study classical painting in Italy, I couldn’t afford tuition and applied for government help in Switzerland, where I was living.
The rules in Switzerland were:
1) financial support is only given to domestic educational institutions,
2) financial support is only given for education that leads to a recognized degree (Bachelor’s, Master’s),
3) another rule I can’t recall now.
My situation went against all three rules: studying abroad, just getting a diploma instead of a recognized degree, and one more thing.
What drove me to find a way was that I REALLY wanted to study at this particular school. I had traveled to different countries to find the best school I could find, and it was the one in Italy. I just had to study there. It felt inevitable.
I wrote passionate letters to government officials. And I got the vice chancellor of one of Switzerland’s art universities to write a statement for me, confirming that the type/quality of education in drawing & painting that I was looking for was no longer provided in Switzerland. The authorities finally agreed! I graduated after four years of studies, and although I had to reapply every year, I received financial support throughout. This made the studies possible that have been the foundation for my livelihood during the past 10+ years.
Apparently, when my motivation is strong enough, I will attempt to do what seems impossible.
Jia's thoughts: Congratulations to D for realizing his dreams and building a great career. This story is a classic example of someone who wanted something badly enough, and he moved mountains to make it happen, even after being rejected over and over.
We all face similar situations in life. D is an inspirational story because of his burning desire. But life decisions are usually not that cut-and-dry. What if your desire for something is strong but not THAT strong? What if it’s for something very nice to have, but you also have other attractive alternatives? How much effort do you give to make this particular desire happen? At what point do you say, “this is not worth it,” and just give up and try something else? Is there a right answer here?
Yes, there is.
I’ll tell you when you should quit and when you should keep going with your dreams in the next post.
Jia
How I Saved $25K with One Simple Decision
My two hands: one was holding a mini American flag, and another was semi-raised in the air. Words of the United States Naturalization Oath were coming out of my mouth, and the sound of the Star-Spangled Banner was about to be played. I couldn't stop smiling. It had been a long wait to become a US citizen since I moved to this country decades ago. Now. I am finally an American!
This happy day comes with complications...
But one of my happiest moments also brought some complications – I needed a new passport, fast. I would need to travel to London in two months for a high-profile $25,000 speaking engagement. I can't get there without my new passport. The expedited passport service takes 5-7 weeks. It's tight, but I can probably make it.
The first thing I did after the naturalization ceremony wasn't downing two Big Macs or buying a shotgun at Walmart to show my new Americanness. It was to make a beeline for the post office, where people apply for passports. (You would think passport service happens at the embassy, State Department, or at least Social Security office, but NO, the freaking post office! I would rather get a colonoscopy than go to a post office. But this was for $25K. Daddy's got to eat!)
After waiting through a usually long line while chewing through one of my nails, I still had my genuinely bright smile. I asked the clerk, "I just became an American today. Where can I get a passport?"
The guy's face didn't move a muscle, "you need an appointment."
It's not like I was expecting a warm bro hug or a secret welcome-to-the-brotherhood handshake. Still, I was kind of hoping for a simple "congratulations!" But this was the least of my concern now.
"Wait, an appointment? What for?" I asked.
"To turn in your required documents." His face still didn't budge when speaking.
"Why do you need an appointment for that? I have all the documents here with me." I didn't know if I was impersonating a whining American or just becoming one.
"You need an appointment, bro." Still no facial movement other than his mouth. I tried to replicate it that night in front of a mirror but couldn't. I think talking without expression was this guy's superpower.
"OK, can I make an appointment now?"
"You need to do it on our website."
"How long would it take to get an appointment?"
"Two to three weeks."
All my excitement and pride in becoming an American are now gone. "I don't have 2 to 3 weeks! I have a speaking event in London in eight weeks. So adding the 2 to 3 weeks appointment wait to the 5-7 weeks it takes to process it, I am not gonna get my passport in time."
"Nothing I can do, bro." Who says a poker face isn't infuriating?
"Come on. There's got to be a way."
"You need an appointment, bro."
After giving a few more exasperated words and only to have a few more non-empathic "bro" s in return, I left.
Seriously? This is where you get a passport?
"Government bureaucracy… I can't believe this." I shook my head while driving my car, all while thinking about switching from Independent to Republican.
If this were me before 100 Days of Rejection, I would have accepted my fate, rushed home, and gone straight to make an appointment, hoping for a miracle that the passport would somehow arrive early in time for my flight.
But I was the Rejection Guy now. I was trained to think and act differently.
"Let me try this again," I said to myself.
I searched for another post office using Google Maps, and pulled up to the nearest one. I went in, waited through a similar line, and got to another clerk. I started my pitch:
"Hello, I just got my citizenship today, and I need my passport ASAP so I can make it to a speaking event in London. I know you usually need an appointment for this, but my event is in 8 weeks, and I might not have enough time to wait through the appointment and processing time. I have all the documents with me here, and I am looking for someone kind enough to help me. Would you be able to help me?"
This was a prepared statement injected with 3 different Rejection Therapy principles. I threw the kitchen sink at it.
"OK…" he nodded. This guy had more facial movement in one second than the other guy in 15 minutes. "I think I can help you. Are you sure you have all the docs?"
"Yes." I handed him the envelope that included enough information for someone to steal my identity twice.
"Here is the form. Fill it out. I'll take your application now. No need for an appointment."
"Thanks, man! You just saved me." I said profusely.
And he did. I got my passport seven weeks later, a few days before my scheduled flight.
London was amazing, by the way. I gave a great talk and collected $25,000, all while having a paid trip to one of my dream places. I am not into fish and chips, though. England, with all the land you've conquered in history, you named smelly fries your national dish?
I was this close to not being able to speak in London.
But looking back, it was a close call. Most people would treat rejection from one person representing an organization, such as "the government," as a rejection from the entire entity. But me? Rejection Therapy taught me that organizations are made of thousands of people with different mindsets. So if I can find the right person, and say the right things with the right attitude, I'll always give myself a chance to get the results I want.
After rejections, my Rejection Therapy training gave me the instinct to try again and the knowledge of what to say.
Life is full of decisions like this. Being able to handle rejections can make a huge difference in the long term. Maybe a better job, maybe a raise, and maybe the love of your life.
Do you have experiences like this – you got rejected, but you didn't give up, tried again, and eventually got what you wanted?
Share with me. I'd love to hear it.
Jia