How My Own Prejudice Changed My Life
Author: Anne S., Career Advisor, Social Worker (Norway)
January 2017: “Can I sit here?” My adrenaline kick surprisingly helped me fake a firm tone. If you’ve ever been on a Norwegian bus, you’ll know that no one sits next to a stranger unless they absolutely have to. Yet there I was, waiting for eye-contact from the only other passenger, and honestly waiting for this sporty looking guy to sigh. It was as if the echo of my own question was singing to me about how judged I would be, and how I hate new year’s resolutions. That I should never have committed to doing something about the talks I watch on Youtube.
Surprisingly the guy (though quite muffled) smiled and moved his stuff for me. In another rush of adrenaline, I thought “that was too easy, I need to get rejection training!” and started asking him about his life. His response was to remove his earplugs, shift his relaxed position, and give me a real answer. Finally, I told him about my new project, he said, and get this: that no stranger EVER had asked him about his day in public before. “This needs to keep happening,” he said. “I think you’re onto something! Isn’t it kinda funny how we put on a show in public, pretending not to care about each other, because we actually care way too much about what the other person really thinks about us?”
And that was the start of my rejection journey - A journey that helped me realize: Part of my fear came from my own prejudice against this guy. After his response I realized I had actually been more judgmental than he was. I was scared because I was expecting him to be a judgmental jerk. Especially because he was athletic. You see, I always had a limp in my leg, and for that I often felt judged and discriminated by athletic people. Now having grown, I noticed I still kept my distance. I felt comfortable in my body, and I obviously knew in my head that athletic people weren’t all superficial, and I had even done some forgiveness work, but somewhere inside of me, I still held that prejudice. With “the bus guy” I was surprised by his openness, because I was “judging him to have to be judgmental” if you will. That realization became a game changer to me. Because my prejudice is my responsibility to deal with. The power is in my hands, so if this prejudice is really the core of the problem, then I have some work to do!
So, as I went on, singing on the train, asking for fancy jobs, inviting strangers to my birthday party, starting a “Quest for Rejection” FB-community and taking people with me on “Rejection hangouts”, even finally opening up to love at 28, I always kept looking for people who I felt prejudice against. If I thought “this person is definitely going to be judgmental toward me” then I tried to connect with them. “Wait… why connection? Wouldn’t that be exposing yourself to unnecessary pain?” Good question! Now I wasn’t going to allow people to walk all over me, but I figured I had to risk some pain to deal with my prejudice. I based my action plan on something called “Inter Group Connection Theory”. This basically says the best way to deal with one’s own prejudice is to create relational connection. Connection allows someone to go from stereotype to person, by adding complexity to your impression of them. So, for example, to deal with my ideas of athletes, I decided to start going where I could find them: Obviously, the gym. I started running with an “underlying spy agenda” of finding what made these people real people. Long story short: I started making friends. It turned out even athletes appreciate the chance to be real, complex and quirky. That they prefer not being stamped or “forced to be” mean and one-dimensional.” I further discovered that, even though I run differently, I actually love running, and to top it off I was eventually invited to join the running team! That moment was so impactful I still sob like a baby when thinking about it. An invitation to the one dream I expected to be the least qualified for.
I think we can all agree that judgement is not our best friend, with it’s one-dimensional and irrational portrayals of people. Sometimes, though, we seem to think achieving our goals is about proving our right to not be judged/rejected or proving that people were wrong to judge us. What I want to propose to you is: how about flipping this around? How about taking a look at our own harsh judgement of people? What if they had the chance to be anything but jerks? What would that open up in our lives?