How My Own Prejudice Changed My Life

Author: Anne S., Career Advisor, Social Worker (Norway)

January 2017: “Can I sit here?” My adrenaline kick surprisingly helped me fake a firm tone. If you’ve ever been on a Norwegian bus, you’ll know that no one sits next to a stranger unless they absolutely have to.  Yet there I was, waiting for eye-contact from the only other passenger, and honestly waiting for this sporty looking guy to sigh. It was as if the echo of my own question was singing to me about how judged I would be, and how I hate new year’s resolutions. That I should never have committed to doing something about the talks I watch on Youtube.  

Surprisingly the guy (though quite muffled) smiled and moved his stuff for me. In another rush of adrenaline, I thought “that was too easy, I need to get rejection training!” and started asking him about his life. His response was to remove his earplugs, shift his relaxed position, and give me a real answer. Finally, I told him about my new project, he said, and get this: that no stranger EVER had asked him about his day in public before. “This needs to keep happening,” he said. “I think you’re onto something! Isn’t it kinda funny how we put on a show in public, pretending not to care about each other, because we actually care way too much about what the other person really thinks about us?” 

And that was the start of my rejection journey - A journey that helped me realize: Part of my fear came from my own prejudice against this guy. After his response I realized I had actually been more judgmental than he was. I was scared because I was expecting him to be a judgmental jerk. Especially because he was athletic. You see, I always had a limp in my leg, and for that I often felt judged and discriminated by athletic people. Now having grown, I noticed I still kept my distance. I felt comfortable in my body, and I obviously knew in my head that athletic people weren’t all superficial, and I had even done some forgiveness work, but somewhere inside of me, I still held that prejudice.  With “the bus guy” I was surprised by his openness, because I was “judging him to have to be judgmental” if you will. That realization became a game changer to me. Because my prejudice is my responsibility to deal with. The power is in my hands, so if this prejudice is really the core of the problem, then I have some work to do!

So, as I went on, singing on the train, asking for fancy jobs, inviting strangers to my birthday party, starting a “Quest for Rejection” FB-community and taking people with me on “Rejection hangouts”, even finally opening up to love at 28, I always kept looking for people who I felt prejudice against. If I thought “this person is definitely going to be judgmental toward me” then I tried to connect with them. “Wait… why connection? Wouldn’t that be exposing yourself to unnecessary pain?” Good question! Now I wasn’t going to allow people to walk all over me, but I figured I had to risk some pain to deal with my prejudice. I based my action plan on something called “Inter Group Connection Theory”. This basically says the best way to deal with one’s own prejudice is to create relational connection. Connection allows someone to go from stereotype to person, by adding complexity to your impression of them. So, for example, to deal with my ideas of athletes, I decided to start going where I could find them: Obviously, the gym. I started running  with an “underlying spy agenda” of finding what made these people real people. Long story short: I started making friends. It turned out even athletes appreciate the chance to be real, complex and quirky. That they prefer not being stamped or “forced to be” mean and one-dimensional.” I further discovered that, even though I run differently, I actually love running, and to top it off I was eventually invited to join the running team! That moment was so impactful I still sob like a baby when thinking about it. An invitation to the one dream I expected to be the least qualified for.

I think we can all agree that judgement is not our best friend, with it’s one-dimensional and irrational portrayals of people. Sometimes, though, we seem to think achieving our goals is about proving our right to not be judged/rejected or proving that people were wrong to judge us. What I want to propose to you is: how about flipping this around? How about taking a look at our own harsh judgement of people? What if they had the chance to be anything but jerks? What would that open up in our lives?   

Ask Away

Author: Zuberia T., Technical Writer (Greater Toronto Area, Canada)

Ask and you shall receive…maybe not always, but ask anyway – has always been my mom’s adage. Years ago, my mom, brother and I were travelling during our summer break. We had got two free business class tickets provided by my dad’s workplace. My very practical mom had bought herself an economy ticket, as she deemed spending on a business class ticket as unnecessary. So my brother and I would travel in business, while she would take the economy. On the day of travel, my mom decided at check-in that she would ask if they could upgrade her to business. My brother and I were appalled and our unanimous reaction was “Noo, that’ll be embarrassing! What if they laugh at us for asking?”. My fear as a 9 year old was that the airline guys would take away our existing business class tickets for mom’s impertinence. Mom just shrugged her shoulders defiantly and said “The worst they can do is say NO…so it’s not a big deal!”. At the check-in counter, my mom approached the airport agent and explained our situation, and asked if it was possible to upgrade her. Meanwhile, my brother and I stood faraway from mom pretending to be strangers. The lady at the counter paused for a few seconds and said she would need to ask her boss. She went to get him and after 5 excruciating minutes, came back with her boss. He looked into our records and saw that we had travelled frequently with their airlines. He finally said with a smile that they’d be okay to upgrade her. I’ll never forget mom’s triumphant smile when she told us “If you never ask, you’ll never know”.

Another incident that deepened my faith in not being afraid to ask no matter what the response will be, was in high school. One of my teachers was forming a dance group for an event. I loved dancing, however, I had fallen sick when my teacher was holding auditions and couldn’t make it. The group was formed and the practice sessions had started by the time I had recovered and returned to school. One day, after class I followed the teacher while grabbing my bestie to tag along for moral support. I went up to the teacher, told her I’m a good dancer and asked if there was any way possible I could be a part of the dance group. She thought for a second and said, “One of the girls just dropped out of the group, so yes, you can join. I really hope you’re good, because you’ll need to catch up quickly!”. It took me a few minutes to process the easy acceptance. Some other students were annoyed with me for getting in easily and wondered how I managed it…if only they knew that all I did was ASK! 

Friends and colleagues have told me about their awesome experiences, from getting a huge raise in the middle of the year to highly qualified strangers agreeing to be their mentors, all because they simply had the courage to ask! However, it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, we’ve all got our fair share of disappointing and embarrassing ‘NOs’. Like your request being denied at a customer service center, your proposals for a new plan being rejected, your ask for help being ignored or someone laughing at a question you asked in a meeting. These rejections make us regret and in hindsight we tell ourselves, it was stupid to ask.

The fear of rejection is very real, it has been found that our brains processes rejection like it does physical pain. But we cannot let the fear of rejection stop us from asking. I came across this valuable and entertaining TED talk by Jia Jiang who talks about how to handle rejection. Jia calls it 100 days of Rejection Therapy, where he comes up with awkward requests which most people would be inclined to reject. Like asking a stranger for a 100$ or a bizarre request for Olympic style donuts at Krispy Kreme (this video is a must watch!). His goal at the end of the 100 days was to desensitize himself from the pain and overcome the fear of rejection.

Another wonderful TED talk by Heidi Grant titled ‘How to ask for help – and get a yes’, tells us how we need to open ourselves to the idea of expressing our need for help by asking and the dos & don’ts of how to structure our requests for help.

I found the above TED talks to be very useful in taming the paper tiger - the act of asking much easier. If you have more resources or tips, do share them in the comments below. Happy Asking folks! 

My Well-Intended "Help" Is Rejected: A Gas Can Lesson

Author: Colleen M., Consultant (Chicago, USA)

My friend, a former neighbor who has been going through a rough patch could not find the keys to her home. She thought they were in her car, but she was not able to find them.

I offered to help her. She asked if she could drive her car into my garage where we could then look for her keys.

I agreed. I moved my car out of the garage and onto the street, then went back to my garage and waited for her.

She pulled her cute black Nissan hatchback with personalized red Blackhawk plates into my empty two-car garage.

Then she opened her rear hatch and proceeded to hand me bag after bag of items -- Jewel, Osco, Mariano’s, Menards, JOANN’s, and Target.

I was overwhelmed with the quantity of bags she had in her car.

As I looked in the bags for her keys, I started to empty the items from the bags and organized the contents for her. I instinctively made piles.

The piles ended up looking like the drop-down menu on the Target website: grocery, household essentials, women’s clothing, shoes, home, beauty, personal care, health, pets, school and office supplies, party supplies, and what I thought should be clearance.

Then she pulled out a large gas can from her car.

I felt myself start to panic.

I looked at the piles of items that had taken over my garage and I insensitively blurted out, “I am going to need my garage back.”

That’s when my friend so justifiably said to me, “I never asked you to organize my stuff. I just wanted help finding my keys.”

Thankfully (and I’m not sure how), I was able to hear her over the pounding of my anxious heart.

I said, “Yes. That’s right.”

At that point, we had been working on finding her keys for two hours. We then agreed to try for one more hour, and if we could not find them, we would call the locksmith. We also agreed we would load her items back into her car by the end of the day. Which we did.

I am the oldest of six children. Let’s face it, I can be bossy. I see what I think needs to be done, and I dive right in and do it.

Sometimes my well-intended “help” is rejected.

Yet, I am grateful when I get a timely rejection.

Conversely when someone withholds a rejection from me, I soldier on blindly thinking that I’m being helpful when in fact I’m causing hurt.

In cases like the one with my friend who could not find the keys to her home, rejection helps me slow down.

It’s like getting cold water dumped on my hot head.

Rejection says:

· Stop

· Pick your head up and see the big picture

· Take an empathy pill, and

· Listen and hear what’s really needed.

When I do this, then maybe, just maybe, I can actually do what my sincere intention is – to help relieve the distress of a friend.

More stories from Colleen: https://medium.com/disconnected-by-colleen-mcfarland

Check out Colleen’s book: https://www.colleenmcfarland.us/disconnected