How Trump Used the Power of Rejection to Win the White House
This past election, and especially the general election, has been a particularly challenging one for me, because I supported neither Clinton nor Trump. However, ever since Trump started leading and winning in the Republican Primaries, I have been analyzing him through the lens of rejection, like I do with almost everything else. As the results, the outcome wasn't a surprise to me at all. I published an Op-ed on Foxnews.com discussing How Trump Used the Power of Rejection to Win the White House. Please note, this article is not a political one, even though the comments reflect a few riled up folks thinking it is. I believe that the smartest entrepreneurs can, and have to learn from people they don't agree with.
Let me know what you think of my article!
The Magic Word to Use After a Rejection
Speaking of rejection, no one likes it. Most people would naturally do one of two things wrong after hearing the word NO:
Run away as fast as possible and hide somewhere where the rejection can't find you
Stay and argue, attempting to persuade the other person to change his/her mind.
These are classic fight or flight reactions. However, not only are these both bad options when trying to get something we want, but they could have hidden consequences that we aren't aware of.
Wrong option #1 – Leaving:
This might look harmless on the surface, but we often walk away feeling a combination of disappointment, anger, frustration and shame. These feelings combined with the negative feedback we just received can lead to us losing confidence in our ideas, our businesses, or even ourselves. In the end, running away can cause us to give up more easily in the future.
Moreover, we don’t learn anything from the rejector on the reason we were rejected. Was it because she was in a bad mood? Was it because she didn't need what I was offering? Or possibly, was it because there is something seriously wrong with our offering that we need to change? Leaving a situation before we realize the reason why we were rejected doesn't allow us to learn the reason why. The fear of rejection triggers our body to run, but leaves us without the one thing we need in order to grow- the reason why.
Wrong option #2– Arguing:
Arguing can happen after a rejection for a couple different reasons. We might feel that the rejection is unfair or wrong. With indignation, we argue based on rules and morality. Or, we might feel that the rejection is counter-productive to both parties, so we try to argue based on interests.
However, when we're arguing we are trying to change the other person’s position and opinion, something not easily done. Position switch involves the other person’s emotion and ego. Most people are naturally repelled by the idea of admitting they were wrong in the first place or showing weakness in doing so. Arguing more than often leads to people feeling defensive and insulted. When you feel like someone is trying to "change you" or your deepest beliefs, it can lead to hurt relationships and more tension. There is no productivity in arguing after facing a rejection.
In my new book Rejection Proof, I revealed a list of techniques you can use to turn a NO into a YES after a rejection, and the first of which is using a word I discovered had magic powers to influence people and create amazing opportunities, that word is WHY.
Here's what you do:
Immediately after a rejection, before your fight or flight instinct kicks in, ask: “May I know why this wouldn't work?”
For those of you who have followed me, you might be familiar with this video where I planted a flower in someone’s backyard.
However, what you may not know is that something happened before this video. Before talking to Connie, I actually first asked her neighbor if I could plant a flower in his backyard. He was an older gentleman and said NO. But before he could turn away, I asked him why. As it turned out, he had a dog who would dig up everything he puts in the backyard. He didn’t want me to waste my flower and effort. In fact, he told me to go across the street and talk to Connie instead, because he knew that Connie loved flowers. Then the above video happened. And it happened only because I didn’t run after the initial rejection and ask the magic word WHY.
**Note that had I not asked why and simply left (like I did in my first rejection attempt), I might have thought the reason for the rejection was because he didn't like my flower, he didn't trust me or maybe because I sounded like a crazy person. I would have left the rejection attempt imagining all of the reasons why I'm a horrible and ugly person. Isn't this what we do after being rejected? We feel like it is blow to who we are as a person, some kind of indictment on our soul.
I could have done worse by arguing with him that he should let me plant a flower in his backyard. It could have turned unpleasant and even ugly. In the end, it wouldn't have done any good.
But because I asked why, I found out that it had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with him. In fact, he trusted me enough to refer me to his neighbor Connie. Asking why gave me another opportunity to seek out the backyard for planting my flower.
Because rejection is painful, we often succumb to our psychological tendency to fight or flight, just like our ancestors when they were fighting beasts in the wild. However, in modern day business negotiation and communication when intricate emotions and interests are involved, relying on our primary instinct is very unproductive. Use the magic word instead. Ask why.
Strengthen Your Courage Muscle
Hi guys, it’s been a while since you saw my last video at the conclusion of my 100 Days of Rejection. A lot have happened since. I’ve since moved from Austin to Northern California, finished writing my book, and I am about to have a new baby. There are a lot of exciting things on the horizon for 2015, and I will tell you about them later.
But I want to discuss with you one thing today, which is the concept of the courage muscle. People have asked me: Jia, do you think you are a changed person forever now after you did 100 Days of Rejection? The answer is Yes and No. Yes I am much more confident, outgoing and fearless in term of being able to talking to anyone, asking for anything anywhere. I have used these skills to accomplish some major goals in life and business. But no, I am not changed forever. It’s not like I am this completely different person now with super powers. In fact, I am just much stronger mentally. But if I don’t exercise, I will go back.
That is what courage muscle is. Basically, none of us is either born a courageous bad ass or a timid coward. Sure, there are personality traits that make us different. But as we grew up and gain experience in the world, we started forming the habit and characters that make us either more brave or timid. By the time we became adult, these characters started to play a huge role in our success in the world. For example, it took me 30 years to really have the guts to really pursue my dream, because I wanted to the approval from other people. I didn’t want any potential rejections. Had I learned to be fearless earlier, I might have started a business as a teenager, or in my early 20s.
But it’s not too late. Right after I turned 30, I did these 100 Days of rejection. By keep asking for impossible things, I was actually exercising my courage muscle. And within a short period of time, I quickly learned that rejection is not something I should fear, but something I can learn from and turn into opportunities. So now I ask and try new things everyday, and my life and business have changed since. It’s as if I did P90x for 90 days, and I became a strong, lean and cut dude, but only mentally. But just like physical exercise, I found that if I don’t keep doing this, my courage muscle will weaken and atrophy. Eventually, I would lose all the edge I’ve gained.
So I want to encourage you to do the same thing. Go out and ask for crazy things. Start small, like asking for a burger refill, and gradually increase the difficulties, like speaking in front of strangers. By doing so, you are exercising your own courage muscle. And you will soon find out a change within yourself. You might not become a badass overnight, but you will if you keep doing this, you will become much more brave. Some day, you will ask for the promotion you’ve always wanted. You will start your own business. You will ask the cute girl out. And maybe you will give your own TED talk.
Happy Rejection! [/showhide]
Stuart Scott Revealed the #1 Quality to Win in Life Before Passing Away
When I joined my first fantasy football league, my team was named OtherSideofPillow. It’s a strange name, and it was coined by my favorite ESPN host, Stuart Scott. During Sports Center highlights, when a player calmly sinks a jumper in the clutch moments of a basketball game, Stu would often say so and so was “as cool as the other side of the pillow”. He was always funny, passionate, and cool. But other than showing people how to be cool, he also demonstrated the #1 quality to win in life. No, it is not about being cool or making the winning shot in game. It is about handling adversities through actions.
On January 4, 2015, Stuart Scott passed away after losing his battle to cancer at age 49.
Well, the above statement would have been appropriate for anyone, but not for Stu. Stu would say he didn’t lose to cancer, but he won it by how much he battled cancer. In his acceptance speech of the Jimmy V Award, Stu said the immortal words “When you die, it does not mean you lose to cancer. You beat cancer, by how you live, why you live and the manner in which you live.”
In another words, Stu didn't define himself by the existence or the results of cancer, which he had no control over. He cared about his own bravery and action in his battle with cancer, which he had full control. And that, in my opinion, is the #1 quality of a successful life.
We all have dealt with blows in life. They could be business failures, money problems, tough upbringings, divorce, physical shortcomings, mental deficiencies, and repeated rejections by others, which is the subject I write about. There are diseases that could be as debilitating and lethal as cancer. When they happen, people usually judge their successes in three ways: circumstances, results and actions.
Circumstances – some people base success on circumstances. They equate good circumstances with winning, and unlucky breaks with losing. When economy turns sour, when business gets tough, when jobs get cut, they internalize these circumstances and blame either themselves or others. They tie their self-esteem on the ups and downs of life events. Because we all suffer setbacks, it’s really easy to feel like unlucky losers at the end of the day.
Results – the vast majority of people, if not the whole world, base success on results. They understand that circumstances are not the end of the world. They also understand that their actions could affect the outcome. So they fight, they struggle, and they try to get good results. In fact, “results-oriented” is one of the most overly used terms on LinkedIn profiles. Just do a search. However, what they don’t understand is how pointless and even dangerous it could be to base everything on results.
For one, we don’t fully control results. No matter how hard we work or compete at something, there are always many more talented people who are just as driven to beat us at the game of getting results. Moreover, when we focus on results, we started risking to game the system by unethical or illegal means. Just ask Lance Armstrong and the wall-streeters who caused the 2008 financial crisis. Lastly, no matter how hard you fight, there are circumstances in life such as cancer that can simply overpowers you.
Actions – the real brave winners judge their successes on their actions, or reactions to circumstances, in spite of what the circumstances might be and the results they might cause. In the classic book, Man’s Search For Meaning, Viktor Frankl described that when he was dealt with the worst circumstances imaginable in life – the Nazi concentration camp, which one might argue it’s even worst than cancer. Yet it was in there, he discovered meaning and his true calling in life and greatest contribution to humanity. Dr. Frankl knew he had no control of his circumstances (concentration camp and guards’ brutality), and no control of results (his own survival), but he had full control of his reactions to circumstances.
Stuart Scott and Viktor Frankl were far from the only people demonstrating how to win in life through our actions. There are many, many more stories of people finding their true calling through their reaction to adversities.
Elizabeth Smart was the victim of a high-profile child abduction case at age 14. After spending nine-month with his evil tormentor and suffering through endless pain and humiliation, she was rescued. She became a champion activist against human trafficking and crimes against children, and was a recipient of the Diller-von Furstenberg Awards.
While serving in Iraq, first lieutenant Scottie Smiley was permanently blinded by a suicide bomber. After returning home, he lived life to the fullest, by climbing Mount Rainier, skiing in Colorado, surfing in Hawaii, and competing in triathlon. He received his MBA from Duke University, and taught leadership at West Point. Today, he is a Major in the US Army and recipient of the MacArthur Leadership Award.
So next time when you encounter a setback in life, no matter how severe and debilitating, and no matter how dark and hopeless it seems, remember Stu’s words. “You beat (your adversity), by how you live, why you live and the manner in which you live.”
It is indeed the #1 quality to win in life.
Overcome the Fear of Judgment
Of all the fears that affected people, the fear of judgment had both stung and stunk the most for me. This is the fear of what others will think of you, especially in a negative light. Am I portraying a lack of knowledge by asking this question at work? Am I making a bad impression by not working at night (while leaving my IM on so my coworkers can see me working)? Do I look bad in public wearing shorts to this event? If I take on this new venture, will my friends and in-laws lose respect for me?
These questions used to constantly put the fear of judgment in me, so much so that I worried about what others think of me all the time. They sapped my energy and creativity, and enslaved me to other’s opinions. This is why when I first started the 100 Days of Rejection, I was so scared and I almost threw up before I went up to the security guard asking for $100:
Link to me asking $100 from stranger
It wasn’t all about fearing to be rejected, but I feared the judgment from this guy – a stranger whom I’ll probably never meet again. I was terrified what he thought of me. Would he laugh at me? Would he call security (in this case, himself)? Would he check the nearest mental hospital to see if an Asian patient had just escaped?
These questions sounded silly, but they indeed ran through my mind. If the fear of judgment could actually make a guy sick when he was looking for rejection in the first place; if it made him almost quit in an environment where there was little risk or danger, think about what this fear can prohibit you from doing in real life situations.
Then this rejection attempt changed me:
After panhandling on the street, I put myself in the middle of all kinds of judgment from thousands of strangers. Some people gave me money, others didn’t. It was scary at first, but liberating afterward. I learned that if I knew what I was doing, if I had a good reason, I could do anything I want without worrying about judgment. It made me brave and cool under pressure.
Why you should try it too: asking for money like a panhandler sounds crazy, but it forces you to go out of your comfortzone and develop a thick skin. You will learn that what people think of you really doesn’t matter. You are still the same person before and after. It’s what you think of yourself and what you do that really matters.
Go out and try this: ask $10 from people, and tell them why (prepare for a good and authentic reason, i.e. donating to charity). If they say NO, ask if there is anyway they would give you the money (i.e. let them decide where the money should go). Collaborate with them to make this happen. If their answer is still NO, shake their hands and say goodbye. Hold your head high and know you just kicked the trash out of your fear.
Rejection Therapy: How to Become Fearless
As someone who grew up wanting to be an entrepreneur, I never believed in any sort of self-help or even business training. I thought worrying about my emotions were for the weak. Instead, I should worry about real world achievements, such as making great products that people use or inventing awesome technologies that change the world.
My mindset changed when:
1. I witnessed how much fear of failure and rejection had held me back in the first 30 years of my life. I didn’t put myself out there and stayed in the cozy comfort zone. When I had good ideas, I quickly abandoned them after someone I trusted told me how dumb they were, only to see someone else made it a wild success later.
2. I eventually went all in trying to pursue my entrepreneurial dream and rejection from an investor made me cry and almost abandon everything. It was then I realized how fragile I was in that moment.
It was apparent that fear had made a direct impact on my business and personal life. If I wanted to be a successful entrepreneur or business person I would have to develop “emotional intelligence”.
I did so by having people reject me for a hundred straight days (thanks again to my friend Jason Comely’s inspiration). After my rejection journey, I made a breakthrough. I realized that rejection isn’t something I should shy away from, but something I could use to my advantage.
By getting rejected, I learned not to give a damn about people’s opinions and judgment, and became relentless in going toward my goals. I learned that I can’t control and don't want to manipulate others’ feelings and attitude toward me, and the only thing that mattered was what I can control – my own actions, emotions and reactions.
Lastly, I learned that courage is not like height or even intelligence, which are mostly genetic. Instead, it’s like muscle, and much of which can be gained through exercise. In this case, repeatedly seeking rejection is the exercise.
This past month, I designed and hosted my first ever product – The Rejection Gym. Six brave souls took the challenge to be rejected everyday together with me for 30 days. The results were nothing short of astonishing (I will go into Rejection Gym later). I learned that I was helping people to not only overcome their fear of rejection, but fear of a lot of things – judgment, networking, failure, saying NO, public speaking… It’s like finding a remedy… or exercise to overcome fear.
Let me know what your biggest fear is. I will help you to beat it.
What Can Luis Suarez Teach Us (About Rejection)?
If you are a sports fan and don't watch the World Cup, let me tell you something: you are missing out! This is an awesome tournament with tons of drama. If that's not convincing enough, know that there was a player from Uruguay bit another player from Italy in front of millions of people watching. His name is Luis Suarez. He is famous for outrageous actions on the soccer pitch, including playing soccer with hands without being a goalkeeper, racially abusing another player, and being a repeated biter. Yes, this is his third biting incident. Maybe Burger King could get him to do a commercial.
As punishment for mistaking Italian player with Italian food, Suarez was suspended for four months, including from the remainder of the World Cup by its organizing body – FIFA. Without his service, team Uruguay lost the next game in the knockout stage.
We all have either laughed or showed outrage toward Suarez. However, Confucius once said, “If I am walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher.” Is that possible that someone like Suarez can teach us anything? The answer is YES. Or more precisely, his actions could.
1. Don’t bite people (if you hadn’t learned it by age three, now is a good time). 2. Rejection/acceptance says more about the rejector/acceptor than the rejected/accepted
The world has been shocked with his out-of-control acts, and generally felt the punishment was way too light. It seems like Suarez was universally condemned and rejected.
However, there is one group of people who not only didn’t reject him, but also embraced and united behind him – his own countrymen. Not only Uruguayans didn’t blame him for damaging his team’s chance to win as well as shaming his country, they relentlessly defended him and blamed the western media for picking on Suarez and causing such harsh punishment. When Suarez went back home, he received a hero’s welcome, including that from the Uruguayan President Jose Mujica. Mujica went as far as insulting FIFA and western media as “fascist” and “a bunch of old sons of bitches”.
How could that be, we wonder? How can anyone objectively blame anyone besides Suarez himself for what happened? The guy caused all these himself... by freaking bit someone in a soccer match! Are people from Uruguay illogical and plain mad? How could the same person elicit such stark contrasts in reactions as Suarez did from Uruguayans and the rest of the world?
After I went through 100 Days of Rejection, the reason became rather obvious. Suarez illustrates one truth about acceptance/rejection: they say much more about the accepters/rejectors than the accepted/rejected.
Think about who Luis Suarez is to Uruguay as a country. He is an extremely skilled player who appears once in a generation for a country. His talent should be appreciated by everyone.
His country, Uruguay is not particularly big (#91 in size), rich (#63 in GDP per capita) and powerful (#77 in overall GDP). It has stayed relatively peaceful and thus out of the world news. For an everyday Uruguayan who is proud of their sports, culture and country, Suarez almost represents the image, hope, and pride for an entire nation. As the results, people take the rejection of Suarez extremely personally. It really didn’t matter what Suarez did. Short of for something very extreme, they will defend him. (After the biting incident, during which the “extreme” line was clearly crossed a few times over, even that is in doubt).
The so-called persecution complex exhibited by sports fans as well as group of people looking for respect is a great example about the subjectivity and irrationality of preferences and opinions. In fact, it goes much beyond sports. We see that in culture, law and politics all the time. People rally around a person who represents them, regardless of circumstances.
When people accept or reject you or someone else, instead of arguing or getting mad, find out the ‘why’ behind their action, because it is a great opportunity to learn about them.
I AM BACK! (From Book Writing)
I just pushed the SEND button. Now my manuscript is in the hands of my editor. I am so excited that my neighbor asked me if I was celebrating a World Cup victory.
Ever since I signed my book deal with Random House last year, my life had changed. I toiled away for eight months at writing at coffee shops, dark rooms, hidden office space, coffee shops, libraries, parked cars and flying airplanes. Now I am done, and it feels amazing.
My book was about how to overcome your rejection fear, and making rejection your friend. It is filled with stories, research, learning and tools from my 100 Days of Rejection. I am very proud of my work because I know it is good and will help and entertain a lot of people.
If you want a copy, make sure you subscribe to my blog. I will run specials just for my blog readers and followers leading up to the publication date.
What’s next: I am going to reignite my blog through videos, writings and experiments. The world we’ve discovered together in this past year was an amazing one, and we are just getting started.
…LET SEE WHAT HAPPENS!
Dream, Racial Equality and Fear of Rejection
On the 50th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s March on Washington, the Internet is filled with articles and tributes about the "I Have a Dream" speech and the Civil Rights Movement. The speech also profoundly impacted me. Yet it didn't do so in the sense of teaching me about racial equality, but in the sense of pursuing a dream and overcoming rejections.
So what does his speech have anything to do with rejection therapy? What do racial injustice and the fear of rejections have in common?
I still remember that the first time I heard the speech I couldn't even speak English properly. I crawled through the entire transcript with a dictionary, and even tried to imitate his accent at school the next day. (A Chinese kid trying to speak like a Black Southern Baptist preacher is surefire comedy). One thing that blew my mind was how powerful one man's dream, if shared, articulated and executed fully, can become.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream was based on the prospect of curing a common suffering among a group of people. It was based on the premise that a civilized society was not where it should be. It was based on the potential that if we could overcome our own fear and prejudice, we would be a better people and the world would be a better place. Those were the seeds of ideas that inspired me so much that I am willing to turn my 100 Days of Rejection Therapy into a life long goal.
Our fear of rejection, in a way, is very similar to racial injustice. We didn't have it as infants, but as we grew up it started to occur in our own minds. Then, by the constant reinforcement from society, we let it become a dominant force in our behaviors. However, unlike racial injustice which was done by one people onto another, the fear of rejection is something we inflict upon ourselves. The results are equally devastating. We stopped trying new things and making new connections; we strangle and suffocate our own dreams and ideas; and we later look back on our lives with regret because we lived someone else's life rather than our own.
Even more dangerously, the fear of rejection is subtle and overlooked. There is no police brutality, no jail in Birmingham, and no KKK. The only thing that's out there is the two letter word 'no', which is enough to scare all of us.
Dr. King help created a world which I appreciate and benefit from. But more importantly, he inspired me to have my own dreams of building a better world, one where our destinies and aspirations will no longer be suppressed by the tear gas of self-doubt, the jail walls of self-isolation, and the police batons of self-rejection. This is a world worth building.
Will you want to live in a world without the fear of rejection? Also, did Dr. King or someone else inspire you to pursue your own dream?
Rejection Talk - [Career] What's Our Birthday Telling Us
My thoughts on birthdays, Steve Jobs and the fear of rejection
Video Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VU76zIe0C4U
What Rejection Is, Isn't, and Could Be
We have all had the experience of being rejected, and none of us liked it. Applied for a job and got the "thank you for your interest" letter? Saw an attractive girl at bookstore, so you mustered all your courage to ask her for a cup of coffee, only to hear the words "nah that's ok"? Or in my case, prepared an investment pitch for months but only to get a cold and impersonal rejection through email? These experiences can sting us for a long time and make us less likely to try things again. As the result, we reject ourselves and lose opportunities. But does it have to be this way? Is rejection some sort of unavoidable and incurable disease that will bring pain to us every time we face it? If you have followed me a for while, you know my answer will be a resounding no. In fact, I am rejecting the notion that rejection has to be feared. To tell you why, let us exam what rejection is, isn't and could be.
What rejection is:
1. A constant figure in life - Ben Franklin famously said there were only two things certain in life: death and taxes. Let's welcome the third member - rejection. From the President to the CEO, from the secretaries to the donut makers, everyone gets rejected in their lives.
2. An opinion of others - someone rejected us because in their opinion, it is the best course of action for them. The world is filled with an overabundance of free opinions, and rejections are no excerption. Rejection says more about the rejector than the rejected.
3. A fluid number - there is no such thing as a permanent rejection. In fact, it is impossible for the entire world to reject us. Every rejection has a number. If we talk to enough people without giving up, a rejection will become an acceptance.
What rejection isn't:
1. A problem can be avoided or outgrown - often the more responsibility and influence a person has, the more likelihood that she will be rejected by more people. A middle manager's marketing plan might get rejected by 5 executives, whereas the President's healthcare plan could get rejected by half of the country. Hoping to avoid rejection is rather a foolish attempt.
2. An objective truth about us - just because people believed the world was flat didn't mean it actually was. For the same reason, a company rejecting our job application says nothing about our ability to perform as an employee. Taking other's opinion about you as truth is very counter-productive.
3. An end of our quest - unless we stop at a rejection, the rejection should never be the end of our quest. It took J K Rowling 12 tries to get Harry Potter published. If she stopped at any of the 11 rejections, the battle between Potter and Voldemort would have happened in a trashcan or shredder somewhere rather than in 500 million books, 1 billion movie showing and 7 billion minds.
What rejection could be:
1. A tool for motivation - Michael Jordan was famous for using boos from the opposing fans to motivate himself. Later in his career, he got so popular that everyone would cheer for him. Yet, he would pick out the one boo from a thousand cheers, and use it to fuel himself. The best in business always uses rejections as motivation.
2. A gauge for impact - there is a big difference between being rejected and being ignored. Being ignored often means our idea has no impact. But being actively rejected could mean our idea has the potential for large impact. History is filled with impactful figures overcoming violent rejections, from Jesus Christ to Nelson Mandala, from Mahatma Gandhi to Martin Luther King Jr.
3. A necessity for worthiness - Just like a story without conflict isn't worth telling, and like a hero without failure isn't a real hero, a quest without rejection isn't worth pursuing. When we keep going despite the nos, when we keep getting up after being stiff-armed, when we shed tears of victory after tears of defeat, we are the real hero, pursuing a worthy quest, and writing a great story.
Now let me hear from you. What is rejection to you?
Hangout Interview With the #ShutUpShow
I had the pleasure to chat on the #ShutUpShow, an interview based podcast show with a killer name and two cool hosts - Berni Xiong and Phil Gerbyshak. I discussed my journey, lessons and going forward.
3 Ways to Come Up With Rejection Ideas
“How do you come up with all these creative rejection ideas?” This is one of the most common questions my readers ask me. It would be fun to say I am a creative genius because I’m a secret child of Steve Jobs and Lucy Liu, but it wouldn’t be true… actually, that would be so wrong, but I digress. Although I love to think outside of the box, but imagination alone wouldn’t be enough for me to come up with hundreds of ideas. If you want to try this on your own, here are three ways you can come up with rejection ideas that fit your own personality, lifestyle and preference. 1. Do Really Cool Things
Fill in the blank: It would be really cool if they can let me _________ (a cool activity) at _________ (a place manned by people).
For example, if you have always wanted to fly a plane, ask a pilot for it. If you would love to feed the big cat at a zoo, ask the zookeeper for ways to do it. Make sure you ask with respect, and if they say yes, you will have a great experience. (But make sure you follow their lead. I don’t want to see your name under CNN’s headline – Californian Man Under Critical Condition After Attempting to Arm Wrestle a Liger.)
2. Go for Your Big Dream
What do you really want to do? Is there anything on your bucket list that involves permission from others? If there is nothing involves permission, you just need to start doing them now. No one is stopping it but you. If something does involve permission, just ask for it. For example, it has been my dream to give a lecture in college. I asked for it and got it.
I have a reader whose dream is to be involved in research on alternative universe and time travel. Though not a scientist, he wants to be a pioneer in the research subject and asked me for advice. Sounds crazy and far-fetched? I told him to google the science research papers on the subject, and email the authors to express interest. He took my advice. After a few referrals, he’s now in touch with a leading scientist at Cal-Tech. A couple decades into the future, he might be sitting on the first-ever time machine. The odds of that happening are still very low, but it was 0% before he asked.
Of course, if your dream is to become the President, calling the White House for permission isn’t the best idea. You can break down your big goal into smaller rejection attempts. For example, calling your governor’s office and asking to be on the campaign staff might be good starting points.
3. Ask for Other’s Ideas
Many of my rejection ideas come from my readers. Some of them made my best episodes. For example, I took someone’s advice and asked to be a Live Mannequin at Abercrombie.
No matter how cool your project sounds, you can’t do it alone. Even if you could, it would be a lonely road to walk. Ask for ideas from your family and friends. Don’t be afraid to be judged and rejected. If you really believe in something, go for it and involve others.
Rejection attempts are not about getting a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, but about putting yourself in the awkward situation to ask for something you really want. If others let you do it, you need to be very happy to carry through. If not, congratulate yourself on having the courage to ask. You will improve yourself either way.
Feel free to share your experience publicly using comments or privately through email at jia at fearbuster.com.
Jia Jiang's 2013 Commencement Address to The Hague University
One day, I received an email from a person named Tobias. He lives in the Netherlands and works for The Hague University of Applied Sciences. He asked me if I could make a short video to encourage the graduating students on overcoming rejection.
When someone asks me to do something that might take a lot of effort and without any compensation, I have a few choices to make. I could:
1. say no 2. say yes and do it as a quickly favor 3. say yes and give my best effort
I chose #3, because I believe in the cause. I love connecting with young people. They are the most overlooked crowd when it comes to rejection. Many times, the love and shelter we created for them make us feel that they don't experience rejection as much as adults do. I believe it is wrong.
In the United States, nearly 1 in 6 high school students has seriously considered suicide, and 1 in 12 has attempted it. That's an astonishingly sad number. One of the leading causes is that youth is the most vulnerable and least equipped group to handle social rejections. This is also magnified by the prevalence of bullying on social media.
Therefore, when Tobias made this request, I went through tens of hours of work to script, produce and film the video. As a former shy teenager who migrated to a new country, I understand the pain of rejection. I want to let the youth know that:
1. they are not alone; 2. rejections can make them stronger and smarter; 3. people like me turned out OK despite the rejections. :)
And in the end, I gave a commencement speech! How cool is that?
Do What You Believe In Despite Fear Of Rejection
As the last few rejections loom, I wanted to do something memorable to myself. One of which was to stand on a street corner of downtown Austin and tell the world a story. If people stop by and listen, they will have accepted me. If they keep on walking, they will have rejected me. My wife gave me the idea. After hearing it, I started pondering it with a hand on my face. My wife looked at me and said, “I see fear in your eyes”. ‘Damn’, I said to myself, am I not supposed to be fearless by now? After almost 100 rejection requests, why am I still bothered by this idea? People on the street won’t know me, and it won’t matter if they think I am crazy or mock me. I am not, or not supposed to be afraid of rejection anymore!
But the fact is, I am still scared. To be honest, I was scared before I did many of these rejection requests. However, I did them despite my fear, and I am proud of that.
Many people emailed me asking how to get rid of the fear of rejection. There are a few things you can do, and rejection therapy is one of them. However, you will never completely get rid of the fear. As long as we are human, there will always be that fight-or-flight instinct. Doing things you believe, regardless how much it scares you, makes you fearless.
For me, I am still scared of going to a public place and tell the world a story. But I will still do it, because of my commitment, and because I am trying to be a fearless human. If FDR was right, “the only thing we have to fear is fear itself”. Well, I am going to kick my fear to the curb.
Guest Post by Davis Nguyen – 100 Learnings
From Jia - One day, I received an email from a fan named Davis Nguyen. He sent me a list of things he learned from my 100 Days of Rejection Therapy. I receive a lot of emails, but this is the most comprehensive and detailed learning summaries I have read. And I want to share the email with you. Davis is an economics major at Yale University. When he’s not solving for Nash Equilibriums, he is helping introverts improve their confidence and overcome their fears of rejection. He was inspired by my journey and wrote a book on overcoming fear of rejection and getting others to say Yes, which is available for free on his blog. @SpeakfortheMeek
We all hate being rejected, yet it is something we deal with every day. We have our ideas turn down, our requests rejected, and invitations declined. The feeling of having someone tell us “no” is hard for anyone to deal with.
Nearly 6 months ago, Jia Jiang decided to make an effort and overcome his fear of rejection. It has been a long journey and Jia has come a long way since asking a stranger to borrow $100.
On his path, Jia shared with us his successes, his failures, and his lessons learned. From his videos, we can see that Jia has grown a great amount, but like many of you, I also have learned a lot from just watching Jia.
In honor of Jia nearing the competition of his 100 Days of Rejection Therapy, I wanted to share with you and our community a list of 100 life lessons I have learned from Jia’s amazing journey.
On Confidence
You don’t get what you wish for, you get what you work (or ask) for.
To grow, you need to do things that are outside your comfort zone.
Confidence is everything. Have it and you will go far.
Even if you are faking confidence, if you believe it is real, no one will be able to tell.
Don’t worry about what other people think.
Ask for what you want. This includes acknowledgement from others.
On Courage
When things go wrong remember that few things are as bad as they first seem.
Giving up and moving on are two different things.
It is okay to be vulnerable.
Courage is resistance to fear, not absence of it.
The opposite of courage is not cowardice but conformity.
To know your true courage you have to face your biggest fears.
Have the courage to ask, because you never know what you will get.
When you have the courage ask, you might not get what you expected but it will still be worthwhile.
Telling someone they’re ugly, doesn’t make you any smarter. (When people judge you, they are judging themselves.)
On Communication
You can’t win an argument.
Acknowledge those who have helped you.
There is always room to negotiate.
Negotiating one-on-one is easier than in a group.
Ask for things people have control over.
Having people on your side from the inside helps.
Humor makes life and conversations easier.
Use Humor wisely and in the right places.
On Success
If you do what others do, you can expect what others expect.
If you really want something you’ll find a way, otherwise you’ll find an excuse.
Successful people read…a lot.
Having a positive mind pays for itself.
Life is too short do something you hate; follow your dreams.
Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are of your own.
When you fail, try again.
The “right opportunity just around the corner” isn’t coming to you, so walk to it.
On Happiness
Making one person smile can change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world.
Regardless of the situation, life goes on.
You’ll feel better by giving than receiving.
Smile a lot.
On Rejection
Rejection is just one person’s opinion.
When people reject you, ask why.
When you reject someone do it positively.
What’s worst than rejection is self-rejection.
Requests that are fun are less likely to be rejected.
Learn from your rejections.
Practice helps with the above two.
On Business and Entrepreneurship
Company culture is everything to business success.
Know when to cut your losses.
Be honest and transparent.
If you are an expert at something, there is someone who is willing to learn from you.
Even you fail you learn a lot.
If you don’t have a plan, you are truly planning to fail.
Love/Friendship/Relationships
Choose your spouse carefully; they will either make life easier or harder.
Follow the golden rule: treat others like you want them to treat you.
Better, follow the platinum rule: treat others like they would want to be treated.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
There are a lot of things you could be doing, but that doesn’t mean you should do any more than you are doing. Enjoy life. Slow down.
Treat everyone well no matter if they are the company CEO or the Welcome Greeter.
Taking the time to check in to close friends doesn’t make you anymore money, but you get a feeling that money can’t buy.
Care for others and they will care for you.
Kindness goes a long way.
Miscellany
Become an expert at something even if it is rejection.
Silence is powerful.
Having a great mentor goes a long way.
Be a mentor.
Be willing to teach others.
What you really want might be closer than you think.
Life means more than just money and fame.
The outcome isn’t always as important as the journey.
Guest Post by Jennifer Martin - Asking Someone If You Can Work For Free
From Jia - Jennifer Martin owns Martin Correspondence; an online editing, review, and writing service. She has been helping me to edit my post for my blog, minimizing grammatical and expression glitches. Through our partnership, I found Jennifer fast, responsible and great to work with. If you are a blogger, entrepreneur or author who needs editing service, you can learn more about her at www.MartinCorrespondence.com.
I’ve been reading Jia’s 100 Days of Rejection since his Olympic Ring of Donuts went viral due to Jackie’s hard work, which she ended up giving for free. I am sure if Jia ever craves doughnuts again, he will go back to Krispy Kreme and ask for Jackie.
It’s also fun watching Jia offer his own services for free many times in the course of his 100 Days of Rejection. Maybe someone he asked to help will come ask for his services again, just like he will probably ask for Jackie’s help with doughnuts again? At times offering free work can lead to a real partnership.
The first step is finding a person, company, or group with whom you want to work. Once I read a Time magazine article about a group working to help rebuild and renew New Orleans where I was moving. I loved their character and work. On a whim, I took step two and made a request. I emailed them to ask if they wanted help in exchange for room and board. They said yes and let me name a monthly salary for myself. The work was an amazing experience and it never would have happened if I hadn’t found a great group and simply asked. This time has given me the courage to make big asks several other times, even though I am as scared of rejection as anyone (and have been rejected as often as everyone too).
More recently, I found Jia’s blog and loved his stories. I had noticed his teaching personality and passion to share what he has learned from his own experiences with others. Jia’s 100 Days of Rejection was a project I wanted to work with, so I offered my editing services for free, along with five edited posts along with my request. He said yes!
Third, if accepted - build the partnership. After offering your services for free, you can’t slack off. You need to deliver on your offer and ideally over-deliver. If you do create a true business partnership that is no longer free, keep up the hard work. As many business schools teach, undersell and over-deliver. Since Jia is still writing 100 Days of Rejection posts, I know we have 11 more blog articles to work on together.
Point Three-B (in case they reject you) is to handle it with grace, thank the rejector and move on to the next request. You never know who will remember you further down the road and either recommend your services to someone else or call you back later. Even if they never do, it is always important to… “…in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you,” (Matthew 7:12a). Imagine if roles were reversed and you had to reject someone’s free offer, wouldn’t you rather they thanked you politely for considering the request and then moved on graciously?
So in summary, I learned:
Find people, organizations, and groups with whom you want to work.
Reject your own fear, and make the request.
3.a. If accepted, work hard to undersell and over-deliver.
3.b. If rejected, say thank you and move on graciously.
Have you found an organization you’d love to partner with and could even start with volunteering or some free work? Have you ever made a big ask for yourself? Were you rejected or accepted?
Rejection over Regret
Rejection along has never been the sole reason for my journey. In fact, rejections have been my best friend and weapon so far to combat a much more subtle but potent enemy - regret. Here is my talk on why rejection is better than regret at TEDxYouth@Austin.
My Last Rejection Request Will Be...
Vote for my last rejection attempt to have an interview with any person in the US you want.
Guest Rejection by Claire Vo: Ask Someone You Professionally Admire to Coffee
I know rejection is a reality of entrepreneurship, and I am pretty well-adapted to the impersonal rejections of starting a business. However, when it comes to being personally vulnerable in learning new skills or meeting new people, I, probably like a lot of you, fear rejection. Like most fears, this one is at odds with one of my goals--to meet and collaborate with successful innovators I admire. In particular, I keep a short list of female entrepreneurs to watch and learn from; to discuss business (however briefly) with these women would be a dream.
I know Sheryl Sandberg says I shouldn’t ask these women to be my mentor, but what about a business coffee? With sxsw coming up, I thought I’d email 3 successful businesswomen and ask them to meet while they are in town.
With no email address, phone number, or friend-of-a-friend to introduce me, I figured LinkedIn would give me my best shot at a response. I cashed in my InMail credits and sent three quick notes that went something like this:
Request for expertise
Dear [fabulous entrepreneur],
I’m the founder of an Austin-based startup, Trainca.se, and saw that you were on the RSVP list for [this sxsw event]. I really admire what you’ve done with [your awesome company] and would love to buy you coffee when you’re in town to learn more about your experience. It’s rare to get the chance to meet a fellow female entrepreneur who has had such amazing success, and I’d be delighted if you had 30 minutes while you’re in town to chat. Also--happy to give advice on what to eat/do while you’re in town!
Cheers,
Claire
Response so far? Nada. Though who knows? Maybe I’ll spy a name on a badge or a nametag and get to buy them coffee or a cocktail anyway. My learnings:
1 Focus on what you did, instead of what they didn’t - Maybe I didn’t get any responses, but I took a risk and reached out in a way that felt authentic. Nothing to be ashamed of here.
2 A quick and honest “no” is a great personal and professional courtesy - This experience reminds me the importance of responding to people, even if your answer isn’t what they want to hear. Yes, even sales reps.
3 Rejection can lead to new opportunities - When I told Jia this story, he asked me to share it on his blog the very same day. If I hadn’t taken the risk, I would have never had the opportunity to share my experience with you all.
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Claire Vo is the founder and CEO of Trainca.se, the only beauty community with reviews & recommendations exclusively from your friends.