My Well-Intended "Help" Is Rejected: A Gas Can Lesson

Author: Colleen M., Consultant (Chicago, USA)

My friend, a former neighbor who has been going through a rough patch could not find the keys to her home. She thought they were in her car, but she was not able to find them.

I offered to help her. She asked if she could drive her car into my garage where we could then look for her keys.

I agreed. I moved my car out of the garage and onto the street, then went back to my garage and waited for her.

She pulled her cute black Nissan hatchback with personalized red Blackhawk plates into my empty two-car garage.

Then she opened her rear hatch and proceeded to hand me bag after bag of items -- Jewel, Osco, Mariano’s, Menards, JOANN’s, and Target.

I was overwhelmed with the quantity of bags she had in her car.

As I looked in the bags for her keys, I started to empty the items from the bags and organized the contents for her. I instinctively made piles.

The piles ended up looking like the drop-down menu on the Target website: grocery, household essentials, women’s clothing, shoes, home, beauty, personal care, health, pets, school and office supplies, party supplies, and what I thought should be clearance.

Then she pulled out a large gas can from her car.

I felt myself start to panic.

I looked at the piles of items that had taken over my garage and I insensitively blurted out, “I am going to need my garage back.”

That’s when my friend so justifiably said to me, “I never asked you to organize my stuff. I just wanted help finding my keys.”

Thankfully (and I’m not sure how), I was able to hear her over the pounding of my anxious heart.

I said, “Yes. That’s right.”

At that point, we had been working on finding her keys for two hours. We then agreed to try for one more hour, and if we could not find them, we would call the locksmith. We also agreed we would load her items back into her car by the end of the day. Which we did.

I am the oldest of six children. Let’s face it, I can be bossy. I see what I think needs to be done, and I dive right in and do it.

Sometimes my well-intended “help” is rejected.

Yet, I am grateful when I get a timely rejection.

Conversely when someone withholds a rejection from me, I soldier on blindly thinking that I’m being helpful when in fact I’m causing hurt.

In cases like the one with my friend who could not find the keys to her home, rejection helps me slow down.

It’s like getting cold water dumped on my hot head.

Rejection says:

· Stop

· Pick your head up and see the big picture

· Take an empathy pill, and

· Listen and hear what’s really needed.

When I do this, then maybe, just maybe, I can actually do what my sincere intention is – to help relieve the distress of a friend.

More stories from Colleen: https://medium.com/disconnected-by-colleen-mcfarland

Check out Colleen’s book: https://www.colleenmcfarland.us/disconnected