Achieving New Year's Resolutions Like Sisyphus

The new year is here. It's time for, you guessed it, New Year's resolutions.

Do you know whom I am jealous of when it comes to achieving New Year's resolutions goals? You will have never guessed it: Sisyphus. 

Yes. The guy in Greek mythology who made Zeus so mad by cheating death twice, so Zeus condemned him to eternally push a giant rock uphill. Right before the rock gets to the top, it rolls back down to the bottom, forcing him to do it all over again. The process would go on forever.

This guy rocks, in more ways than one!

Yeah, that's the guy.

You might ask why I am jealous of that pathetic loser? Well. Sisyphus' situation might be tragic and miserable, but he isn't a loser at all. And when it comes to achieving goals, he's way more successful than my past New Year's resolutions.

1. Sisyphus must be in incredible shape. People think CrossFit is hardcore physical training. Try pushing a rock forever and ever. Over the years, his body must look like the combination of the Incredible Hulk and LeBron James. I can only dream of achieving that type of fitness through any New Year's resolutions.

2. He's very consistent and successful in his goals. He pushes the rock to below the peak every time and fails only at the last second. In New Year's resolutions terms, Sisyphus always fails on December 31st.

My resolutions usually fall apart long before that… somewhere near January 10th. After that, the only purpose of my New Year's resolutions was to remind me of my futility.

All that's to say: I was bad at this New Year's resolutions thing. I was like the Lazy Sisyphus. I could only wish I was half as successful and consistent as the real one. 

This is what most New Year's resolutions look like in February

Now, maybe being jealous of an imaginary figure cursed for eternity isn't your cup of tea. But I bet you aren't great at this New Year's resolutions thing either.

In the United States, where I live, 41% of people regularly make New Year's resolutions. But of all the New Year resoluters… Resolutionalist? Only 9% keep them. You are more likely to have diabetes than achieve your New Year's Resolutions. 

Now, all that changed two years ago when I accidentally discovered a way to stick to my goals far longer than I could have ever done in the past. In fact, my resolutions lasted six months. 

Now, before you accuse me of still being a failure, let me just say: it's a giant step in the right direction. For someone who usually quits in January, June was a 500% improvement. No matter what you do in life, whether buying stocks or hair restoration, you take +500% all day, every day.

It's like my Lazy Sisyphus took a steroid/Red Bull/Adderall combo. Instead of tossing the rock away at base camp, murmuring, "fuck this shit," he actually pushes it halfway.  

As a result, I had one of my most productive years: having the best year in business, starting two new blogs, quitting a few bad habits, getting my mental health back on track, and rehabbing a back injury to basketball shapes. 

How did I do it? 

It was simple. Instead of setting New Year's resolutions to be outcome goals: like making more money, landing a better job, getting promoted, losing weight, finding love, or going viral on TikTok, I set input goals: actions I could take and track every day.

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My resolutions for that year were:

1. Writing for 1,000 hours

2. Getting up early for 200 (out of 365) days

3. Setting daily goals for 200 (out of 365) days

4. Charging my phone outside of the bedroom for 300 nights

5. Listening to audiobooks for 300 hours

6. Having conversations with admired people 200 times

7. Exercise for 100 hours

8. Spending 500 hours of meaningful time with my kids

9. Spending 100 hours of meaningful time with my parents

10. Not losing my temper for 300 days

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For me, these input goals were much simpler to control, measure and achieve. I used a spreadsheet to track them every day, and received tons of pleasure every day when I put down progress numbers next to these categories.

As I mentioned, this lasted until June (again, astronomical improvement) instead of December. Why? Simple: I got bored. It's tough to set goals for the whole year. They started to lose pizzazz after a while.

Good resolutions changes things up to keep it fresh

So, to make it work this year, I am changing things up: instead of setting 10 goals for the whole year, I am setting 3 input goals every month. 

For January, I am going to:

1. Write (or any creative work) for 90 hours

2. Get up by 6AM for 25 days

3. Set 3 daily goals for 25 days

Here is my spreadsheet to track my progress.

It's like my personal Sisyphus is setting up 12 stops along the mountain, and he's planning to get to one stop at a time. This way, it won't be an all-or-nothing venture. 

Take that, Zeus, you vengeful, jealous, incestuous pervert!

Moreover, I am not only doing this, but also got 77 readers of mine to do it together. I am calling it the Sisyphi Camp. We can become a bunch of Sisyphi (that’s the plural form of Sisyphus, right?… Right?) and collectively kick Zeus' butt by pushing the rock to the peak together.

Check out the Sisyphi Camp!

How to Ask for Feedback After Job Rejection

Getting rejected by your dream job sucks. Even worse, you don’t know what went wrong and why you didn’t get the job. All that is offered is a plain thank you and good luck letter. In this post, I will show you why you should ask for feedback after rejection; how to ask for feedback; how to build relationships with the hiring team; and maybe even get the job in the end. 

Before I dive into the details, there is one caveat: only ask for feedback for the right jobs. Just like any relationship, a job interview is always a two-way street. The company is evaluating you. You are also evaluating the company and the hiring team. If you sense the job is not a good fit; you don’t like the hiring manager; or there’s no chemistry with the hiring team; don’t bother to ask for feedback. You don’t want to get the wrong feedback from the wrong jobs.

Assuming it’s for the right job, let’s get started. 

1. The mindset - Opportunity arises from rejection. 

When we get rejected by an employer, our immediate natural response is to close the email and never look at it again. Rejection is painful, so our mind wants to flee from it as far as possible. Asking for feedback will only get us rejected again, so why bother? If we leave it like that, we are totally defeated on the battlefield. However, suppose we can set aside our pain and not let the rejection overwhelm us. In that case, the moment of rejection presents the best opportunity to ask for feedback. 

Think from an interviewer’s perspective. As painful as getting a rejection, giving a rejection is unpleasant. Who doesn’t want to deliver happiness? A milkman job is better than a recruiter. When a person writes a rejection letter, he feels indebted to you. That’s the window of opportunity for you to ask for feedback with a high likelihood of getting a response. 

Remember, an opportunity arises from rejection. So next time you get rejected by a job, don’t run. Instead, engage by asking for feedback.

2. The intention - To show appreciation and build relationships.

Once you have the right mindset to engage with the job rejection, you need to have the right intention when you ask for feedback. The goal should not be to change the interviewer’s mind. It should not be that they owe you the feedback. In fact, many company policies discourage the disclosure of any interview details. Any input from the interviewer is them going the extra mile to help you. 

The right intention is to show your genuine appreciation for their time and seek their advice to improve. Treat the interviewers as fellow human beings who want to be valued, respected, and helpful. You can even tell them that giving you feedback is doing you a huge favor. By acknowledging the favor, you are making the whole process personal. A personal touch almost always increases your chance of getting honest and valuable feedback. 

3. The structure - Tips to write a feedback email 

With the right mindset and intention, it’s time to learn how to write a feedback email. Here’s a general structure that I would recommend using, 

• Show gratitude: Always start by thanking their time and even sending you the rejection letter. You often don’t even hear back from the positions you apply for.

• Highlight your learning from the interview: Demonstrate the interview was insightful even if you didn’t get the job. People want to be helpful. So make your interviewers feel that way. 

• Ask specific and intelligent questions to get feedback. A general question such as “Could you please give me some feedback on the interview” is hard to answer. It burdens the interviewer to do the work: look at the notes and find insightful feedback to share. You are unnecessarily raising the difficulty for them to give you feedback. Make it easy by asking for feedback on specific things. For example: Instead of a general question, you can consider saying, “In the interview, you asked me how I would prioritize projects given constrained resources. I mentioned impact and effort. Could you please give me feedback on other things I could’ve considered?” 

• Close by asking for additional general feedback. If the interviewer is already thinking about giving you specific feedback, they might have other things to offer. At that point, they are cognitively invested. However, people don’t like giving unasked feedback or suggestion. By asking for general feedback at the very end, you are allowing them to provide you with more feedback. 
  
  

  4. Regular follow-ups - Build and maintain the relationship even after rejection. 

If you really want to work for the company, you must build and maintain the relationship after the rejection. Asking for feedback after rejection is the first step in building that relationship. Put a reminder on your calendar to check in with interviewers every two weeks. Update them on your latest progress with your job search. Share your thoughts on an article about the industry or the company. You want to make the follow-up as personal as possible. Those regular follow-ups will make you stand out from the other candidates. They demonstrate your gratitude, maturity, and passion. If at that time, the hiring team is still looking to fill the position, they might give you a second thought. 

Summary - the Dos and Don’ts when asking for feedback after a job rejection 

• Do 

• Have the mindset that rejection also presents an opportunity

• Intend to build relationships and seek to improve when asking for feedback 

• Be very specific when asking for feedback 

• Follow up regularly if you really want the job 

• Be grateful throughout the process and know when to let go 

• Don’t 

• Feel entitled that the hiring team has to give you feedback 

• Expect to change the outcome 

• Ask for general feedback 

• Burn the bridge 

Lastly, rejections during the job-seeking process are part of the process. They don’t define you. Your reaction to rejection defines you. There are always opportunities, even during the most challenging economy. Don’t give up. Don’t wait for the right time. You are in charge of your destiny. 

Pursue Your Passion Despite Rejections

Author: Anthony S., Performer

(Arizona, US)

I have lived and worked for the past 30 years in the Asia Pacific region. Singapore, Thailand, and Hong Kong. In 2009, in Hong Kong, I started doing stand-up comedy. Even though, by day, I was a banker. I did it to prove to myself and my peers that for any business initiative, great communication skills AND confidence are keys to success. 

I started doing open mics. The first time I went on stage, I was SCARED TO DEATH. I had notes, and I was shaking. I told my jokes. No one laughed. 

I could’ve quit right there, telling myself that this was not meant to be. I kept at it. 

My friends and family (yes, family) were telling me that I was too crazy and I just didn't have what it took! I kept at it. 

The more rejections I received, the more motivation I gave myself to prove they were wrong. The stronger my fear of no laughter grew, the stronger my determination increased to win them over one day. For the longest time, the rejections and fears were my only friends that got me through the nights. I kept going because I knew that I was way ahead of most businesspeople just by being on stage.

Then, after a couple of years, it became easier and easier. After 2 years and countless times on stage with little laughter, forgetting my jokes, losing my place in the middle of a joke, and using notes, I was on a stage, 100's of eyes on me, with only a microphone making people laugh! And feeling on top of the world! Unlike in business, I was speaking with no notes, no PowerPoint, and no whiteboard: JUST ME. My ability to speak extemporaneously skyrocketed! I was able to handle hecklers, handle disruption, handle large and small audiences and never, ever feel nervous or scared that I would forget my jokes or lose my place. The point is it wasn’t natural! It took me almost 2 years to feel comfortable on stage without notes and really connect with the audience! I think in life, no matter what you are doing, if you want to be great, you need to be fearful, practice, and make lots of mistakes!

I learned from the best and watched the best. I got on stage as much as I could and became the best. I went on Comedy Central in Asia and was in a movie filmed in Hong Kong. 

You might think the story ended here. It was just the beginning. 

When I returned to the USA (Dec 2019), I was back to square one. Despite what I achieved in Asia, it meant nothing in the USA. I had to start again, But this time? It was so easy. Why? All my experiences in becoming a standup comedian already put the invisible cloak on me to have no fear of failure or rejection. Today Sep 14, 2022 (when I wrote this post to share with Jia), I am running my own shows in Arizona and regularly perform in the USA. I was rejected many times when I was looking for a venue in Phoenix. I KEPT GOING. I didn't have fear; I had passion.

How might my story be related to you in pursuing your dreams? 

• Have a higher purpose. 

• Never settle. Always think about what you can be.  

• Even if you get rejected, your time and effort bring you closer to your goal.

• Know that failure and rejection are part of the process.

• Even the greats started where I did. They just persevered.

• So can I. 

• Let your passion be your weapon.

• My passion for succeeding and being on stage made up for all the rejections. I visualized myself as successful and on stage. That worked for me to keep going. 

• Work hard.

• Your dream can’t just be a dream that stays in your head. Nothing will happen if you don’t work hard for it. 

• Before I got into performing, I studied the best, read about the best, and learned from the best. I modeled myself after them. After much trial and error, I finally found my voice. 

No matter what you are in your journey to realizing your dream, make rejections and fears your friends. They don’t break you; they make you stronger. 

How to Ask for a Raise, and Love It

For some people, asking for a raise is as simple as opening their mouths and letting some sassy words fly out. For others, they would rather rinse their nose with fermented bile than ask for more money.

I used to be firmly in the latter camp.

I remember 15 years ago when I started my career at a fast-growing startup. I felt I had finally established myself at the firm through hard work and deserved a raise. However, to get a raise, I had to ask. And I dreaded the necessary conversation with my boss, Mason, the company’s VP. So I googled every possible article about how to ask for a raise, but still didn’t have the guts to ask him.

Things were running wild in my mind:

“What if he thought I was a greedy jerk?
What if he didn’t think I deserved it?
What if he says NO?
What if he says YES, but hates me for it, and gets back at me in the future?
What if he fires me on the spot?
What if he starts laughing hysterically, sings a rap song, sprays me with a water gun, then calls immigration to get me deported?” (If you were an immigrant, you would understand the added stress of preserving your job and thus legal status in this country.)

With fear, your mind can go to weird places

I couldn’t sleep the night before. I wanted to vomit just thinking about it. When the day came, I full-on panicked. To avoid the conversation, I ­let my crocodile brain take over and made an in-the-moment decision – something no one should ever do.

I went to my boss’ boss, the company’s CEO, asking for a raise. I hated asking my boss for a raise so much I went around him.

The CEO said he’ll consider it, then went to my boss Mason asking what the hell was going on. Why was his employee not feeling secure enough to ask him for a raise directly, and had to go to the CEO? The CEO questioned Mason’s leadership, the stability of his department, and my maturity.

Mason was mortified. With a single action I took due to my own fear, I undermined him, made a fool of myself, and put my job in jeopardy.

But I was also lucky. Mason was a good, good man. He came to me telling me he was offering me a raise, but also implored me not to go over his head to the CEO anymore. And he asked me what he did to cause my action. I didn’t know what to say, because the only reason was that I was afraid of the conversation and possible rejection. 

My story had a happy ending. After all these years, Mason and I are somehow still friends. But until today, I still let out occasional yelps just thinking about how much I embarrassed him and myself. Moreover, I have continued to ponder why I avoided the conversation so radically to make that terrible decision and get both of us into that situation.

Me thinking about that moment today

I found two main reasons:
 
1. I didn’t want to be judged. I didn’t want to be seen as greedy or disloyal, someone who, instead of focusing on the work, being a good soldier and serving the customer, all he cared about was making more money.
 
2. I didn’t want to face the discomfort and the potential rejection. If Mason said NO, I had no idea how to handle it other than being upset and embarrassed.
 
Does this sound like you? Do you have similar experiences of dreading asking for a raise so much, that you avoided it at all costs, even to your detriment? (Feel free to share with me)
 
Now almost two decades later, things have changed. Through Rejection Therapy, I went from someone deadly afraid of rejection to a rejection expert. Over the years, as an employer myself, I have personally been asked for many raises. I have researched this type of scenario from many angles, and have studied the psychology of all parties involved. Moreover, I have also received countless similar stories from my readers. I have coached many of them on how to ask for a raise the Rejection Proof way.

Can you ask for a raise, get what you want, and not hurt your relationship with your boss in the long term? Instead of dreading the conversation so much, can you actually enjoy the negotiation process? Can you handle it and turn it into a positive if you get a NO?

Yes, you can!

How you should ask for a raise

Today, I want to share some of the tips with you in three main principles:
 
1. Turn the asking-for-a-raise question into a relationship builder.
 
One of the main reasons people hate this conversation so much is because they don’t want to ruin their relationship. Most people feel they have to choose either loyalty or disloyalty. It’s one way or the other. And asking for a raise make them look like the latter.
 
But the truth is, asking the right way can show your loyalty.
 
Position your ask like this: “Mason, over the past year and a half, I have really enjoyed working at the company. I have learned so much about the business and grown a lot personally. Now, recruiters are constantly bombarding me on LinkedIn, and I’ve known a few friends who have switched jobs to make more money and higher titles. That’s not what I want. I want to be here and continue to accomplish our goals. That said, I believe I’ve done a good job and do deserve a raise, and I would like to ask for one. I want to feel well-compensated, so I can focus on my work and not be distracted.”
 
This way, you ask for a raise while demonstrating your loyalty and love for the work. As someone who has hired (and fired) many people, I would rather chew on a kidney stone than lose a capable and loyal employee over a bit of money. The cost of lost productivity and hiring and training a new person could be devastating. If I can pay my employees a little more so they can stay happy for the long term, it’s a no-brainer.
 
Moreover, you have just demonstrated your character. Your company would feel safe about developing and promoting you long-term because you are not an immediate flight threat… at least not over money without telling them first.
 
2. Advocate for your family and your cause instead of yourself.

Another reason people don’t ask for money is the fear of being seen as a selfish and greedy person who only cares about money.
 
You can solve this fear. One of the most effective positionings I’ve researched is advocating for another person or a cause. It gives you an immense amount of power in negotiating. It’s called the Mama Bear Effect – think about an otherwise gentle mama bear fighting like a lethal beast, all to protect her cubs.
 
Position your request like this: “Mason, I have been very happy with my work and growth, and I believe the feeling goes both ways. That said, I would like to ask for a raise because my family has been under a lot of stress lately due to inflation. The added cost of everyday living has made it hard for us to budget daycare for my kids. As a dad, I want to make sure my wife and kids know that I am doing a good job at work means they are better taken care of at home. If my family is happy, I’m happy.”
 
You see, you can completely change the power dynamics with this position. Now you are like a lawyer advocating for your client, in this case, your family, not a greedy bastard. (Picture yourself shouting with force, “objection, your honor! My client deserves better treatment!”)

This raise is for my family!

3. If rejected, ask “how”.

Now, what do you do when everything you’ve tried has failed? Your boss didn’t budge. Instead, he gave you very reasonable and logical responses, as a trained manager would. Something like:

“I wish I could say yes. Trust me, I do. But we are entering a recession, our budget was cut, and the entire company has been put on hiring freeze.” 

“Jia, I am on your side and really hope to give you the raise. But you need to demonstrate more capability. Your sales number was good, but it could be better!”

“I, as the manager, would need to balance the wellness and happiness of everyone on the team. Just between you and me, you are already paid more than most of your teammates.”

Now, what do you do? You just got rejected after your best effort. Do you storm off now? Do you pull out your own water gun and aim at your boss’ eyes? Call immigration on him? (For heaven’s sake, please don’t do that.)

When your boss says you are already among the highest paid

One of the most magical words I teach people after rejection is to use the word “how.”

“Well, Mason… that’s disappointing, but I understand your difficult position. OK, how can I get the raise then? It is and will be very important to me to feel well compensated. So what can we do to make it happen?”

You see. You just put the ball in his court. There is no logical way for him to say, “you are never getting it, man. Dream on!” In this case, Mason is responsible for laying out the steps for this to happen. You listen intently. Write down what he says, and send him an email recap as a reminder. 

If the proposed course of action is reasonable and within your control, do your best to fulfill that requirement, and talk to your boss again. But if that proposal is some insane BS designed to be unreachable, then you have a bad boss on your hand, and you should talk to those LinkedIn recruiters. 

Very few people enjoy rejection and confrontation. Most would rather stew in anger for years before making a move to ask for a raise. But research has shown that you have a 70% chance of getting something just by asking. 

But with the power of rejection, you can request a raise with confidence and get the maximum result. You will also have a plan if things don’t go your way. This power applies to many more situations than just asking for a raise or promotion. Want to make a sale? Ask for funding for your company? Get someone to be your mentor or business partner? Give yourself a shot at the man/woman of your dream? If you can master the power of rejection, it’s truly a superpower.

Start your Rejection journey today!

Jia

How I Got My Email List Back

I love Mailchimp, an email marketing tool and use it to organize my email list and deliver emails to my readers, the people who made me who I am today. Mailchimp isn’t cheap, and I spend thousands of dollars for their service. But I care about my readers much, much more than money. So the money spent on good software is worth it. After all these years, Mailchimp and I are like an old couple.

That said, just like any relationship, my marriage with Mailchimp hasn’t been without rocky periods. In fact, for a moment, it looked like we were headed for a pretty nasty divorce. But the skills I’ve learned through the Power of Rejection saved our marriage. 

Here is how it went down:

One day in June 2019, I received a message from my publisher (the company that published my book - Rejection Proof) telling me that they will run an Amazon promotion on June 26 to sell my book for only $1.99 on Kindle. They implored me to announce this deal to my readers.

Great deal right? What could go wrong?

You know what? That was an incredible deal. I loved writing my book and put all my energy and effort into writing it back in 2015. But in 2019, I had long moved on from marketing my book, or even trying to make money from it. At that point, Rejection Proof was only there to help others. So if my price-conscious (cough *cheap* cough) readers have the chance to read the book for the price of a pack of gums, I should let everyone know. Right?

Moreover, I was laser-focused on building a mobile app at the time. I hadn’t written emails to my readers for a long-time, and I felt guilty for neglecting them. So I thought I should send them a public service announcement email informing them of the deal.

So on June 26, I wrote the following to my email list:

I was trying to inform my readers about the deal while being self-deprecating. And after sending it, I didn’t think too much of it. Who bought the book, or how many have bought it, I didn’t know and didn’t care. With $1.99 per book, I wouldn’t make a penny. But this should build goodwill, and nothing bad will happen. Right? Right?

Boy, was I wrong? All hell broke loose after I sent this email.

Two days later, I got the following email from Mailchimp: 

I was flabbergasted. What happened? 

I right away replied to Mailchimp looking for answers. As it turned out, I made a big rookie mistake. Since I hadn’t sent any emails to my readers for over a year, many people had already forgotten who I was and how/where they signed up. When my first email was seen as “promotional,” without any fancy banners or graphics, many people mistook me for a spammer/scammer, so they complained and even unsubscribed. It triggered a red flag to a “large Internet service provider” (maybe AT&T, or Comcast, who knows), which sent a warning to Mailchimp.

For Mailchimp, a business built on delivering emails to readers, pissing off any “larger Internet service provider” was bad for business. So they questioned my use of email lists and suspended my account.

To restore service, they asked me to:

1. Delete all emails that were dormant for over a year. Justification: These emails are stale. They have probably forgotten who you are, so you should delete them, so they don’t complain.

2. Delete all emails I’ve manually collected outside of online forms.

3. Delete my social security number and birth certificate from the government. Announce to the world that I have sinned and should die.

I made the #3 up, but it sure felt like it at the time. And both #1 and #2 were true.

I was irate. What Mailchimp was asking was truly unacceptable.

1. At the time, since I hadn’t sent an email to my readers for a long time, almost ALL my emails would be considered dormant. So I would have to lose my entire list. Then what’s the use for Mailchimp?

2. At the end of my live speeches, I would verbally recruit people interested in testing my app to text me their emails. I would then manually load them up on Mailchimp and send them instructions. Deleting all these emails would make me unable to manage this group.

3. Over the years, I’ve paid tens of thousands of dollars to Mailchimp to use their service. I had never made any infractions, but only this one time. And even this one time was with innocent intent. I couldn’t believe Mailchimp would treat a loyal customer this way.

So I angrily wrote back to Mailchimp as such. 

No. Mailchimp wouldn’t budge based on my “reasoning” and complained. They also added this line:

That’s it!!! At this point, I was happy to oblige.

Over the next three months, I tried all kinds of alternative software: Convertkit, Aweber, ActiveCampaign, etc. But here is the issue: switching was hard when you have used a service for so long and have been happy with it. All the other products didn’t feel right. For what I was trying to accomplish - newsletters, blog posts, and some interactions, Mailchimp was perfect for what I was doing.

More importantly, I started having second-thought about switching because of the reason in the first place. I had a fight with Mailchimp, if I were to keep using the marriage analogy. It wasn’t anything related to features, prices, and user interface. It was all based on emotions and a sense of injustice. Emotions, no matter how justified, usually result in lose-lose outcomes. 

If somehow Mailchimp and I could kiss and make up, I would be happily back with them.

Do you ever get the feeling for your old software?

Here is where the marriage analogy falls short: with your estranged spouse, you have to sit down with her to figure things out. You are still dealing with the same person. And the person might not change after all.

But with business. Business is… well, business. Mailchimp is not a person with a single personality. It’s made of hundreds if not thousands of employees. So it’s worth to try with a different person.

Through the Rejection Therapy training, I knew what to do: 

So I wrote them the following as the last ditch effort:

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Dear Mailchimp Support Manager,

It's been three months since my account has been suspended. Before I migrate my entire list to another service, I feel there is a sense of reluctance and sadness within me. I have been using Mailchimp since 2013, and I have grown to become familiar with the service. I love Mailchimp, and it has served me well. Looking at what caused our issues and your demands, I want to give it one last shot to see if we can achieve a compromise before having to say goodbye permanently.

1. Removal of all contacts collected offline. I have already done this. In fact, I have deleted an entire list of emails that didn't specifically opt into my newsletter.

2. Removal of all inactive contacts added over 12 months ago and who have not opened any emails recently: this one is the one I had issues with because of its impracticality and unfairness in my case. I sent out one campaign in the past six months, ONE! What you are requesting is that I delete all long-time readers who didn't open that one campaign, which is the majority of my list. I was never informed that I needed to fulfill this requirement in order to keep the list active. I understand it's a suggestion and best practice, but not a requirement.

So here is my suggestion: you restore my account. I will be very cautious in sending out future campaigns. I will also ask them to unsubscribe if they don’t want to hear from me. My list is composed of my fans, and they are very loyal and engaged. But if they don't want to hear from me, I will be happy to remove them.

If my campaign triggers another warning, I would also be happy to shut down the service and leave.

I hope you can see my attempt and effort in trying to find a reasonable compromise to salvage our business relationship. Let me know your thoughts.

Thanks!

A long-time customer

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In this email, I used three different tools in the Power of Rejection:

1. Loss aversion: I mentioned I had been with Mailchimp since 2013 to show my loyalty. I talked about the great relationship we have enjoyed. If we were to say “goodbye permanently,” it would be a loss for both Mailchimp and me. No business wants to lose loyal customers who buy from there over and over. So there were also incentives for Mailchimp to preserve the relationship.

2. Reciprocity: I mentioned that I’d made compromises to resume the relationship. People are emotional beings. Emotions can go either way. It can both hurt or help. In this case, I demonstrated goodwill by making an effort. People naturally want to return in kind when they see the other party making sincere compromises.

3. Solutions: I spelled out concrete and reasonable solutions to our current issues, including actions from both parties. For me, I wanted my service restored. For Mailchimp, they wanted to make sure I wouldn’t abuse their services, which I didn’t any way other than the one-time snafu.

When you take emotions out of business discussions and use these Rejection-salvaging principles, conversations would turn positive in a hurry.

A rep from Mailchimp replied right away, thanking me for reaching out and wanting to find a compromise. After explaining their original position, here is what they wrote:

 And that is all it mattered. My service was restored. 

Since that day, it has been all happiness and satisfaction between Mailchimp and me. I’ve continued to spend thousands of dollars every year. In fact, Mailchimp hired me as a speaker at one of their marketing events this year, so I made some of my money back. Hey Mailchimp, you are not the only one who charges people for service!

For the vast majority of us, this IS life. Our life is made of thousands of tedious negotiations. What if, through training and knowledge, you can maintain composure, restore and enhance relationships, and get what you want more times than not? Wouldn’t it make a difference?

Take the Power of Rejection course if you want to learn and practice the skills to win these negotiations in the face of rejections, whether it’s for spectacular victories or everyday small successes. 

Jia

When Should You Quit?

“Never give in. Never give in. Never, never, never, never…” - Winston Churchill

“Winner never quit and quitters never win” - Vince Lombardi

“If you stop now you are a damn loser!” - my dad yelling at the young Jia

Are you inspired yet? These are the quotes we see everywhere: on wall posters, on images of clouds and mountains, and out of the mouth of every sports coach. You also hear real stories of athletes, entrepreneurs, and artists who have persevered through hell to accomplish unimaginable feats. 

So you should never give up on your goals, no matter what it takes, right?

Never give up? Never never never?

But what if you actually never accomplish your dream? For every movie or athletic star, there are thousands, if not tens of thousands of people who tried just as hard but never made it. Some clung to their dream for so long that they spent their whole life or youth pursuing it. What if they had pivoted earlier and found success in something else? Wouldn’t that be a better life?

So you also hear these quotes:

“Don’t throw good money after bad.” - Croatian Proverb

“If that doesn’t work, try something else.” - Richard Russo

“That’s enough! Go home, for heaven’s sake! It’s time for dinner!” - my mom yelling at the young Jia

Forget about “to be or not to be.” The real Shakespearean question in life should be “to quit or not to quit.”

I teach people not to fear rejection, and not to give up easily after rejection. And I hear a lot of people ask this question, “how many rejections do I need to take before I should give up.” It’s easy to say, never give up. But I know that’s bad advice. 

Life is about both victories and trials and errors. It’s about both perseverance and experimentation. 
 

At what point do you let go?

So when do you give up?

The answer is up to you, not in a “follow your heart” way but in a number-driven way. 

I teach people a tool I have developed through Rejection Therapy. It’s called the Rejection Runway. 

If your dream and project involve the acceptance of someone else, you will consequently get tons of rejections. For projects such as getting your dream job, getting a promotion/raise, selling a product, getting funding for your company, etc., the Rejection Runway is a great tool to judge when to persevere and when to pivot in your pursuit.

Before your project, think of the number of rejections you would take before you quit. Write that number on a post-it note and stick it on your wall. That’s your Rejection Runway. Then, every time you get rejected, subtract one from that number. Don’t give up your pursuit until that number hits zero. And if it does hit zero. QUIT! And do so with your head up and no regret.

Now, the initial number is based on the nature of your project and how much it means to you.

For example, if the project is to convince my wife that we should go to Hawaii for vacation instead of Maine, that number is around 3. (If it’s Hawaii vs. Oklahoma, I’ll raise that number to 50 and think about breaking my leg on purpose.)

If it’s to get a dream job, say at Google, I might set the number to 100. 

But if it’s for something so meaningful, say to save my kid’s life, that number will be infinite. 
 

When to keep going and when to quit. The Rejection Runway will show the way.

Why the Rejection Runway is fantastic:

1. It prevents you from quitting too easily. We quit too early rather than too late with the vast majority of pursuits. The pain of rejection will have you second-guess your decision and run for cover all the time. In projects which might take 20 rejections to get a YES, most people quit after 1 or 2. Having an ample runway, say 50, will give you a much better chance to help you reach your goal before quitting.

2. It prevents you from quitting too late. Some people have the opposite problem - they keep spending time, money, and effort on a project beyond what it is worth, because they don’t know when to quit. Having the runway to guide you when to quit will prevent the following psychological traps:

• The Gambler’s Fallacy - you keep believing the next try will give you the result, so you keep going until you gamble away all your resources and then some.

• The Sunk Cost Fallacy - you’ve invested so much effort that you would not allow yourself to quit, because you can’t justify the resource that’s already spent, so you keep spending more.

Once you install the Rejection Runway, you will be able to properly assess how much this project means to you. It will tell you when it’s the right time to quit.

What if rejection can become your fuel?

3. It turns rejection, the problem we fear the most, into mental fuel. Think about gasoline, the thing that powers and propels your car forward. You will keep going until your gas meter shows zero. Now, rejection has just become your gasoline, and your Rejection Runway has become your fuel meter. So instead of you fearing rejection, you will start loving it. 

Try the Rejection Runway in your next project that requires rejections, and let me know how it goes. 

Jia

What You Did After Rejections

I asked many of my readers to send me their own stories about not giving up after rejections in my previous post - How I Saved $25K with One Simple Decision. To be frank, I was more or less expecting a few more passport/driver’s license stories.

I was blown away by what I read. Here are some of the stories:

From L, an author, and speaking coach:

My story: I wanted a blurb from a speaking mentor of mine who is an NYTimes bestselling author. I sent an email pitch to him and received a polite reply from an assistant saying that he felt it was too much overlap with what he did. It felt like a conflict of interest. I didn’t agree about the conflict but wasn’t sure how to articulate it. 

Later that week, I happened across a LinkedIn post of Barbara Corcoran’s in which she shared the letter she sent to Shark Tank after she was turned down for the job. I woke up the next morning thinking: I can do this too. I wrote back saying that I must not have articulated the premise of the book well enough because, in fact, by reading my book, readers would be in a perfect position to take advantage of my mentor’s program (which I soft promote in the book.) 

That day, my mentor personally wrote to thank me for the clarification, and if he were to write a blurb, what would I ideally want it to say? Success!

Jia’s thoughts: as an author, I know the pain on both sides of blurb requests. When I wrote my book a few years ago, very few people knew who I was, so I begged 20 bestselling authors I knew to blurb my book to give it more credibility. Nowadays, I have become an established author myself, I get tons of requests from other up-and-coming authors to do the same for their books.

In fact, it’s more painful to be on the receiving end of the requests because I am forced to say a lot of NOs. I simply don’t have the time to read other people’s manuscripts… heck I don’t even want to read my second grader’s homework, and his academic trajectory is that of a homeless person. 

Me when getting another blurb request.

But how can I blurb others’ books if I don’t read them? What if the book stinks? What if the author advocates cannibalism in the book? If I endorse it without knowing, my name might be forever linked with the human-flesh-diet.

It’s a catch-22. So I will just have to say NO to all of them.

So, how did L get a YES from her mentor after the initial rejection? There were three Rejection Proof principles involved here: 

1. Targeting - You are much more likely to get a YES if you target the right person. In this case, she asked her mentor, who knew her well, and she asked him twice. The mentor also had incentives to preserve the relationship. So it’s easier for him to say YES.

2. Win-win - she handled the objection by spelling out the benefit to the would-be endorser - promoting his program in her book. Let me tell you a secret: this is the face of most authors when someone else is promoting their work for free.

When someone's promoting your work for free.

3. Lowering risks - additionally, by selling her mentor the benefit of endorsing her, L demonstrated that she’s a savvy and empathetic person. In the mentor’s mind, this would lower the potential risks of linking his name with her book. Because a savvy and empathetic person usually doesn’t write books about eating other people in her books. 

---

From V, a corporate employee:

This was one year ago when I was hunting for my first ever corporate job. There were a lot of rejections I received from my interviews.

Then I message people on LinkedIn--there’s one remarkable person who referred me to his colleague from his old company. This colleague interviewed me. But I never heard back from her again. 

If I am too obedient in following that fate of rejections after rejections, I’ll just succumb to pitying myself. But I chose to message the person on LinkedIn and update him on my interview process. A few months later, the LinkedIn guy had a posting. I got it, with a desired position and salary. 

The funniest part, the colleague who interviewed me also became my workmate. 

Thanks for sharing this, Jia! I’ve been so stressed out about work lately, but this motivated me somehow. Have a great rest of the week!

Jia’s thoughts: V’s example here should be used in job search textbooks. The #1 tool I teach job-seekers is getting a degree from Harvard. If that’s not possible, #2 would be getting a referral, even from strangers. 

Research has shown that while only 7% of job applicants have referrals, 40% of jobs are given to referred candidates. So V was very astute in asking for referrals here. She might or might not know this LinkedIn connection well, but a referral is a referral. That’s all it mattered.

Unfortunately, V still got rejected. In fact, ghosting is the worst form of rejection. That’s where most people stop with their effort. But she was able to turn it around by using a couple of additional techniques:

1. Mind-refresh - V gave updates to the LinkedIn connection who referred her. It kept her fresh in her mind. So when a job opened up, V’s name was at the top. In this busy world, our minds are occupied by everything everywhere all at once. Reminding people that you are still on the job market is a great way to get opportunities fed to you.

2. Gratitude - attitude matters a lot in handling rejections. V showed respect and appreciation for her LinkedIn connection even though the referral didn’t work out. It showed that V wasn’t just using her to get what she wanted.

It also unconsciously injected some motivation and perhaps a tinge of guilt in the LinkedIn connection’s mind because her colleague ghosted V. That might or might not have prompted her to help V with another interview and eventually the job, but it couldn’t have hurt.

What you do after a rejection shows a lot about you. Use it as an opportunity to demonstrate your character and emotional intelligence to others and yourself.

Every rejection is an opportunity to show your character.

---

From D, an artist

When I wanted to study classical painting in Italy, I couldn’t afford tuition and applied for government help in Switzerland, where I was living.

The rules in Switzerland were: 

1) financial support is only given to domestic educational institutions, 

2) financial support is only given for education that leads to a recognized degree (Bachelor’s, Master’s), 

3) another rule I can’t recall now.

My situation went against all three rules: studying abroad, just getting a diploma instead of a recognized degree, and one more thing.

What drove me to find a way was that I REALLY wanted to study at this particular school. I had traveled to different countries to find the best school I could find, and it was the one in Italy. I just had to study there. It felt inevitable. 

I wrote passionate letters to government officials. And I got the vice chancellor of one of Switzerland’s art universities to write a statement for me, confirming that the type/quality of education in drawing & painting that I was looking for was no longer provided in Switzerland. The authorities finally agreed! I graduated after four years of studies, and although I had to reapply every year, I received financial support throughout. This made the studies possible that have been the foundation for my livelihood during the past 10+ years. 

Apparently, when my motivation is strong enough, I will attempt to do what seems impossible.

Jia's thoughts: Congratulations to D for realizing his dreams and building a great career. This story is a classic example of someone who wanted something badly enough, and he moved mountains to make it happen, even after being rejected over and over. 

We all face similar situations in life. D is an inspirational story because of his burning desire. But life decisions are usually not that cut-and-dry. What if your desire for something is strong but not THAT strong? What if it’s for something very nice to have, but you also have other attractive alternatives? How much effort do you give to make this particular desire happen? At what point do you say, “this is not worth it,” and just give up and try something else? Is there a right answer here?

Yes, there is. 

I’ll tell you when you should quit and when you should keep going with your dreams in the next post.

Jia

How I Saved $25K with One Simple Decision

My two hands: one was holding a mini American flag, and another was semi-raised in the air. Words of the United States Naturalization Oath were coming out of my mouth, and the sound of the Star-Spangled Banner was about to be played. I couldn't stop smiling. It had been a long wait to become a US citizen since I moved to this country decades ago. Now. I am finally an American!

This happy day comes with complications...

But one of my happiest moments also brought some complications – I needed a new passport, fast. I would need to travel to London in two months for a high-profile $25,000 speaking engagement. I can't get there without my new passport. The expedited passport service takes 5-7 weeks. It's tight, but I can probably make it.

The first thing I did after the naturalization ceremony wasn't downing two Big Macs or buying a shotgun at Walmart to show my new Americanness. It was to make a beeline for the post office, where people apply for passports. (You would think passport service happens at the embassy, State Department, or at least Social Security office, but NO, the freaking post office! I would rather get a colonoscopy than go to a post office. But this was for $25K. Daddy's got to eat!)

After waiting through a usually long line while chewing through one of my nails, I still had my genuinely bright smile. I asked the clerk, "I just became an American today. Where can I get a passport?"

The guy's face didn't move a muscle, "you need an appointment."

It's not like I was expecting a warm bro hug or a secret welcome-to-the-brotherhood handshake. Still, I was kind of hoping for a simple "congratulations!" But this was the least of my concern now.

"Wait, an appointment? What for?" I asked.

"To turn in your required documents." His face still didn't budge when speaking.

"Why do you need an appointment for that? I have all the documents here with me." I didn't know if I was impersonating a whining American or just becoming one.

"You need an appointment, bro." Still no facial movement other than his mouth. I tried to replicate it that night in front of a mirror but couldn't. I think talking without expression was this guy's superpower.

"OK, can I make an appointment now?"

"You need to do it on our website."

"How long would it take to get an appointment?"

"Two to three weeks."

All my excitement and pride in becoming an American are now gone. "I don't have 2 to 3 weeks! I have a speaking event in London in eight weeks. So adding the 2 to 3 weeks appointment wait to the 5-7 weeks it takes to process it, I am not gonna get my passport in time."

"Nothing I can do, bro." Who says a poker face isn't infuriating?

"Come on. There's got to be a way."

"You need an appointment, bro."

After giving a few more exasperated words and only to have a few more non-empathic "bro" s in return, I left.

Seriously? This is where you get a passport?

"Government bureaucracy… I can't believe this." I shook my head while driving my car, all while thinking about switching from Independent to Republican.

If this were me before 100 Days of Rejection, I would have accepted my fate, rushed home, and gone straight to make an appointment, hoping for a miracle that the passport would somehow arrive early in time for my flight.

But I was the Rejection Guy now. I was trained to think and act differently.

"Let me try this again," I said to myself.

I searched for another post office using Google Maps, and pulled up to the nearest one. I went in, waited through a similar line, and got to another clerk. I started my pitch:

"Hello, I just got my citizenship today, and I need my passport ASAP so I can make it to a speaking event in London. I know you usually need an appointment for this, but my event is in 8 weeks, and I might not have enough time to wait through the appointment and processing time. I have all the documents with me here, and I am looking for someone kind enough to help me. Would you be able to help me?"

This was a prepared statement injected with 3 different Rejection Therapy principles. I threw the kitchen sink at it.

"OK…" he nodded. This guy had more facial movement in one second than the other guy in 15 minutes. "I think I can help you. Are you sure you have all the docs?"

"Yes." I handed him the envelope that included enough information for someone to steal my identity twice.

"Here is the form. Fill it out. I'll take your application now. No need for an appointment."

"Thanks, man! You just saved me." I said profusely.

And he did. I got my passport seven weeks later, a few days before my scheduled flight.

London was amazing, by the way. I gave a great talk and collected $25,000, all while having a paid trip to one of my dream places. I am not into fish and chips, though. England, with all the land you've conquered in history, you named smelly fries your national dish?

I was this close to not being able to speak in London.

But looking back, it was a close call. Most people would treat rejection from one person representing an organization, such as "the government," as a rejection from the entire entity. But me? Rejection Therapy taught me that organizations are made of thousands of people with different mindsets. So if I can find the right person, and say the right things with the right attitude, I'll always give myself a chance to get the results I want.

After rejections, my Rejection Therapy training gave me the instinct to try again and the knowledge of what to say.

Life is full of decisions like this. Being able to handle rejections can make a huge difference in the long term. Maybe a better job, maybe a raise, and maybe the love of your life.

Do you have experiences like this – you got rejected, but you didn't give up, tried again, and eventually got what you wanted?

Share with me. I'd love to hear it.

Jia

Building Self-Esteem Through Rejections

Author: Parsa A., Student (San Jose, USA)

There is something oddly beautiful about hearing the word “no.” It’s like a new opportunity has opened; a chance to turn that “no” into a “yes.”

I was 17 years old when I first discovered rejection therapy. After watching Jia Jiang’s inspirational Ted Talk, I immediately got to work and set out to complete my own 100 days of rejection. For the past two years, I have dedicated my life to analyzing self-esteem within human beings – what it is, how to cultivate it, and why there is a widespread lack of it among my high-school peers – and one pattern I noticed is that a lack of self-esteem directly contributes to a fear of rejection.

Because of my research in self-esteem, rejection therapy spoke to me on a deeper level. I fell in love with it after Day 1, asking a stranger for $100. Along the way I’ve made some great memories – taking a picture with Chili’s staff, holding the lobsters at Red Lobster, and making an announcement on an airplane, to name a few.

But more importantly, I’m amazed at how much I have grown as a result of rejection therapy. Before I started my journey, I didn’t realize how pervasive fear of rejection was in my decision making. I missed out on opportunities for new friendships and experiences out of fear of being judged or looking weird. Now that I’ve completed my 100 days, I feel liberated. The self-consciousness that used to follow me everywhere is nowhere in sight. I even find myself continuing the journey by asking for free drinks at coffee shops or custom-shaped pizza at Pizza Hut. I mean, what’s the worst case? They’ll say no.

Now I have to admit, I’m still not perfect. And that’s because no one is. I still catch myself overthinking at times, debating whether I should go up to a person and ask for what I want. But the important thing is that I have these rejection therapy experiences to look back to, and remind myself of how harmless hearing “no” is. That’s the beauty of rejection therapy: it gives us concrete memories and experiences to look back to, and helps us regain the confidence we need to not be afraid of rejection.

It didn’t take long for me to realize that rejection therapy is exactly what my peers need to build their self-esteem. I see how my peers’ fear of rejection manifests itself at school. I see students who don’t have the confidence to participate in a class discussion, students who can’t ask the teacher a simple question, and students who won’t get help on a homework assignment, all for a fear of being rejected by others.

Rejection therapy changes all of that. It shows that even after being told no, you still have infinite, unconditional worth. It proves that even after getting rejected, you are still loved by your closest friends and family. These realizations help us to overcome self-doubt, and allow us to grow into the people we want to be. As a result, we learn to really appreciate ourselves, and from there we build self-esteem.

In an increasingly tech-heavy world with social media rampant among teenagers, I think rejection therapy is an experience that all high schoolers should go through. Apps like Instagram, Snapchat, and TikTok present a false front of perfection, making greatness not an achievement, but an expectation. And it's in this unrealistic environment that many young adults develop their own sense of self. Rejection therapy allows teens to realize that not everything is as perfect as it seems, and that's okay. It allows us to consolidate our self-esteem, and realize our potential in achieving our most ambitious dreams.

Now that I’ve completed my rejection therapy, I am working on a new mission: to help my peers overcome their fear of rejection and build self-esteem. This might not happen immediately, but it is important to take it one step at a time. So why not start today? How about the next time you are standing in line, instead of going on your phone, ask the cashier for a discount. Who knows, they might even say no!

Everyone is Broken

Author: Richard B., Product Manager (Virginia, USA)

I hadn’t reflected much on the cycle of rejection prior to hearing Jia Jiang’s wonderful Ted Talk. I’d been aware of a life-altering rejection early in life but hadn’t delved in to how it had influenced my behavior.  Taking time to deconstruct the cycle led me to try new approaches with positive results.   Here’s my story.

Up until the age of seven I had a close relationship with my Dad.  We’d take walks together most evenings. His attention and time made me feel confident, happy, and special.  In my seventh year, this closeness changed as, for several reasons, my dad turned into an angry, impatient, distant, uncommunicative person.  The transformation was gradual, but soon there were no more evening walks.  No more conversations.  I took this as rejection of me rather than a sickness of his and concluded that I had done something wrong.  The rejection was crystallized in a specific moment.

Dad had picked me up from basketball practice and needed to swing by K-mart.  We were in the home appliances aisle where he was looking for something.  I, always curious and verbal, saw a hair dryer labeled Vagabond and asked, “why’s this called vagabond?”

He wheeled around, loudly berating me in front of the entire aisle: “Why do you always ask stupid questions?  Who cares why it’s called vagabond?  What difference does it make?  Stop being such a dummy.” It was humiliating.  I wished I could sink through the floor, safely disappearing like a cartoon character.  

Flash forward to a professional career in Fortune 500 companies for 20+ years.  Consistent feedback has sounded like this: “Rich does not always ‘read the room,’ speaking before thinking.  At times he pushes his thoughts or views inappropriately.  He sometimes makes it all about him, dominating conversations and can come across as a know-it-all.”  Meanwhile, my internal voice after meetings would be saying: “Rich, you’re such an idiot.  What a dummy.  Why did you say that?  Dummy!”  Rinse, repeat.

When discussing these behaviors with a great coach, I made the connection that I was playing out that rejection event over and over:  feeling overlooked and left out, needing to be noticed ; needing to prove I was smart and so speaking impulsively.  Previously, when considering the feedback, I chalked it up to it just being the way I’ve always been.  Considering the rejection cycle, though, it was clear.  It wasn’t a fixed personality trait; it was a pattern; and therefore fixable.

I didn’t go to a donut shop and ask for Olympic ring donuts 😊.   Rather, I laid out for my team the important insights I’d found and apologized for having come on too strong in the past.  I committed to listening more and speaking less.  I also asked a few colleagues to be “watchers,” keeping an eye on me during meetings and either giving me real-time safe signals or following up with feedback.  The reaction I got to being vulnerable like this; owning my flaws surprised me.  It made me more relatable, more human; more trusted.  They didn’t reject me for being imperfect; they embraced me for being real.

There are two key takeaways for me then, and hopefully for you too.  First, we are not permanently fixed in our feelings or behaviors.  We can change, we can re-wire our habits, patterns and emotional cycles – even in our 50’s!  It’s never too late to make the effort to change.  Second, like Radiohead sings in Telex:  “Everyone is broken.”   It seems we all go around trying to hide this fact, protecting our sense of self with various behaviors and projections because underneath we’re afraid of being rejected.  If we dare to lead with our brokenness, we may very well find that others do the opposite: they accept and embrace us.

How My Own Prejudice Changed My Life

Author: Anne S., Career Advisor, Social Worker (Norway)

January 2017: “Can I sit here?” My adrenaline kick surprisingly helped me fake a firm tone. If you’ve ever been on a Norwegian bus, you’ll know that no one sits next to a stranger unless they absolutely have to.  Yet there I was, waiting for eye-contact from the only other passenger, and honestly waiting for this sporty looking guy to sigh. It was as if the echo of my own question was singing to me about how judged I would be, and how I hate new year’s resolutions. That I should never have committed to doing something about the talks I watch on Youtube.  

Surprisingly the guy (though quite muffled) smiled and moved his stuff for me. In another rush of adrenaline, I thought “that was too easy, I need to get rejection training!” and started asking him about his life. His response was to remove his earplugs, shift his relaxed position, and give me a real answer. Finally, I told him about my new project, he said, and get this: that no stranger EVER had asked him about his day in public before. “This needs to keep happening,” he said. “I think you’re onto something! Isn’t it kinda funny how we put on a show in public, pretending not to care about each other, because we actually care way too much about what the other person really thinks about us?” 

And that was the start of my rejection journey - A journey that helped me realize: Part of my fear came from my own prejudice against this guy. After his response I realized I had actually been more judgmental than he was. I was scared because I was expecting him to be a judgmental jerk. Especially because he was athletic. You see, I always had a limp in my leg, and for that I often felt judged and discriminated by athletic people. Now having grown, I noticed I still kept my distance. I felt comfortable in my body, and I obviously knew in my head that athletic people weren’t all superficial, and I had even done some forgiveness work, but somewhere inside of me, I still held that prejudice.  With “the bus guy” I was surprised by his openness, because I was “judging him to have to be judgmental” if you will. That realization became a game changer to me. Because my prejudice is my responsibility to deal with. The power is in my hands, so if this prejudice is really the core of the problem, then I have some work to do!

So, as I went on, singing on the train, asking for fancy jobs, inviting strangers to my birthday party, starting a “Quest for Rejection” FB-community and taking people with me on “Rejection hangouts”, even finally opening up to love at 28, I always kept looking for people who I felt prejudice against. If I thought “this person is definitely going to be judgmental toward me” then I tried to connect with them. “Wait… why connection? Wouldn’t that be exposing yourself to unnecessary pain?” Good question! Now I wasn’t going to allow people to walk all over me, but I figured I had to risk some pain to deal with my prejudice. I based my action plan on something called “Inter Group Connection Theory”. This basically says the best way to deal with one’s own prejudice is to create relational connection. Connection allows someone to go from stereotype to person, by adding complexity to your impression of them. So, for example, to deal with my ideas of athletes, I decided to start going where I could find them: Obviously, the gym. I started running  with an “underlying spy agenda” of finding what made these people real people. Long story short: I started making friends. It turned out even athletes appreciate the chance to be real, complex and quirky. That they prefer not being stamped or “forced to be” mean and one-dimensional.” I further discovered that, even though I run differently, I actually love running, and to top it off I was eventually invited to join the running team! That moment was so impactful I still sob like a baby when thinking about it. An invitation to the one dream I expected to be the least qualified for.

I think we can all agree that judgement is not our best friend, with it’s one-dimensional and irrational portrayals of people. Sometimes, though, we seem to think achieving our goals is about proving our right to not be judged/rejected or proving that people were wrong to judge us. What I want to propose to you is: how about flipping this around? How about taking a look at our own harsh judgement of people? What if they had the chance to be anything but jerks? What would that open up in our lives?   

Ask Away

Author: Zuberia T., Technical Writer (Greater Toronto Area, Canada)

Ask and you shall receive…maybe not always, but ask anyway – has always been my mom’s adage. Years ago, my mom, brother and I were travelling during our summer break. We had got two free business class tickets provided by my dad’s workplace. My very practical mom had bought herself an economy ticket, as she deemed spending on a business class ticket as unnecessary. So my brother and I would travel in business, while she would take the economy. On the day of travel, my mom decided at check-in that she would ask if they could upgrade her to business. My brother and I were appalled and our unanimous reaction was “Noo, that’ll be embarrassing! What if they laugh at us for asking?”. My fear as a 9 year old was that the airline guys would take away our existing business class tickets for mom’s impertinence. Mom just shrugged her shoulders defiantly and said “The worst they can do is say NO…so it’s not a big deal!”. At the check-in counter, my mom approached the airport agent and explained our situation, and asked if it was possible to upgrade her. Meanwhile, my brother and I stood faraway from mom pretending to be strangers. The lady at the counter paused for a few seconds and said she would need to ask her boss. She went to get him and after 5 excruciating minutes, came back with her boss. He looked into our records and saw that we had travelled frequently with their airlines. He finally said with a smile that they’d be okay to upgrade her. I’ll never forget mom’s triumphant smile when she told us “If you never ask, you’ll never know”.

Another incident that deepened my faith in not being afraid to ask no matter what the response will be, was in high school. One of my teachers was forming a dance group for an event. I loved dancing, however, I had fallen sick when my teacher was holding auditions and couldn’t make it. The group was formed and the practice sessions had started by the time I had recovered and returned to school. One day, after class I followed the teacher while grabbing my bestie to tag along for moral support. I went up to the teacher, told her I’m a good dancer and asked if there was any way possible I could be a part of the dance group. She thought for a second and said, “One of the girls just dropped out of the group, so yes, you can join. I really hope you’re good, because you’ll need to catch up quickly!”. It took me a few minutes to process the easy acceptance. Some other students were annoyed with me for getting in easily and wondered how I managed it…if only they knew that all I did was ASK! 

Friends and colleagues have told me about their awesome experiences, from getting a huge raise in the middle of the year to highly qualified strangers agreeing to be their mentors, all because they simply had the courage to ask! However, it’s not always rainbows and butterflies, we’ve all got our fair share of disappointing and embarrassing ‘NOs’. Like your request being denied at a customer service center, your proposals for a new plan being rejected, your ask for help being ignored or someone laughing at a question you asked in a meeting. These rejections make us regret and in hindsight we tell ourselves, it was stupid to ask.

The fear of rejection is very real, it has been found that our brains processes rejection like it does physical pain. But we cannot let the fear of rejection stop us from asking. I came across this valuable and entertaining TED talk by Jia Jiang who talks about how to handle rejection. Jia calls it 100 days of Rejection Therapy, where he comes up with awkward requests which most people would be inclined to reject. Like asking a stranger for a 100$ or a bizarre request for Olympic style donuts at Krispy Kreme (this video is a must watch!). His goal at the end of the 100 days was to desensitize himself from the pain and overcome the fear of rejection.

Another wonderful TED talk by Heidi Grant titled ‘How to ask for help – and get a yes’, tells us how we need to open ourselves to the idea of expressing our need for help by asking and the dos & don’ts of how to structure our requests for help.

I found the above TED talks to be very useful in taming the paper tiger - the act of asking much easier. If you have more resources or tips, do share them in the comments below. Happy Asking folks! 

Dealing with Disappointment

Author: Randi L., Author, Blogger (Kentucky, USA)

Recently, I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day*. The first email I opened was a notice that one of my favorite picture book manuscripts had been rejected. Then that afternoon, my publisher called to say the publication of my educational children's book would be delayed, even though she had planned to have it published this year. I felt so bummed out.     

The writing life is not always sunny. It's a roller coaster ride of highs and lows. More lows than highs, it seems. It takes days, weeks, months to come up with an idea and put it in words, then edit and edit and edit and submit and submit and submit and quite often you get a no thank you, it's a pass, it's not a good fit for my list, or the market is not right for your book.  

It's easy to feel hopeless. But this is what I signed up for. No one forces me to be a writer. This is my choice. And I have to accept the fact that rejection and setbacks are part of it. I know this. I've known this for over twenty years.  

A day like this causes me to look back at my life and realize that it has been a journey of learning to be patient. At the age of 28 I thought I'd never get married. Two years later, I met my soulmate.  

At the age of 42, I wanted to be published in a children's magazine and three years later I was published in Highlights for Children.  

From that time on, I began to look for a publisher for my picture book and many years later, it was published by a small press.  

I have been successful in my personal life and with my writing career—it just takes some time. But patience wasn't on my mind on this very bad day. I needed a distraction so, I took a break from writing and checked Pinterest, LinkedIn and Facebook. Then I headed over to Twitter. Up popped a tweet from E. S., an agent whom I follow.  

In one of his tweets, he mentioned that he had signed ten writers. That's a big deal.  Since we interact rather frequently, I congratulated him and then snuck in a question. I asked him whether I should query a colleague of his. You see, earlier this year, this colleague rejected two of my picture book manuscripts. I hesitated submitting to him again. But E. S. sent me a positive message: Don't be nervous. Submit. This manuscript could be the one.       

Wow, that was one of the coolest messages I've EVER received from an agent. He lifted my spirits and gave me hope. On this awful day I decided to stay on the writing path. I worked on a query. Maybe this new manuscript COULD be the one. The one an agent will love. The one that will land me representation. The one that will become a book.  

Sure, there will be rejections. Setbacks. Major disappointments. I repeat my mantra: Be patient. And then the sting of rejection and disappointment softens and I keep on keeping on. I can't imagine not writing, even when I feel discouraged. And if I remember to be patient, there will be wonderful, delightful very good days ahead. 

*Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad by Judith Viorst.

Check out Randi’s blog: themaggieproject.blogspot.com

Follow her on LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/randilynnmrvos

My Well-Intended "Help" Is Rejected: A Gas Can Lesson

Author: Colleen M., Consultant (Chicago, USA)

My friend, a former neighbor who has been going through a rough patch could not find the keys to her home. She thought they were in her car, but she was not able to find them.

I offered to help her. She asked if she could drive her car into my garage where we could then look for her keys.

I agreed. I moved my car out of the garage and onto the street, then went back to my garage and waited for her.

She pulled her cute black Nissan hatchback with personalized red Blackhawk plates into my empty two-car garage.

Then she opened her rear hatch and proceeded to hand me bag after bag of items -- Jewel, Osco, Mariano’s, Menards, JOANN’s, and Target.

I was overwhelmed with the quantity of bags she had in her car.

As I looked in the bags for her keys, I started to empty the items from the bags and organized the contents for her. I instinctively made piles.

The piles ended up looking like the drop-down menu on the Target website: grocery, household essentials, women’s clothing, shoes, home, beauty, personal care, health, pets, school and office supplies, party supplies, and what I thought should be clearance.

Then she pulled out a large gas can from her car.

I felt myself start to panic.

I looked at the piles of items that had taken over my garage and I insensitively blurted out, “I am going to need my garage back.”

That’s when my friend so justifiably said to me, “I never asked you to organize my stuff. I just wanted help finding my keys.”

Thankfully (and I’m not sure how), I was able to hear her over the pounding of my anxious heart.

I said, “Yes. That’s right.”

At that point, we had been working on finding her keys for two hours. We then agreed to try for one more hour, and if we could not find them, we would call the locksmith. We also agreed we would load her items back into her car by the end of the day. Which we did.

I am the oldest of six children. Let’s face it, I can be bossy. I see what I think needs to be done, and I dive right in and do it.

Sometimes my well-intended “help” is rejected.

Yet, I am grateful when I get a timely rejection.

Conversely when someone withholds a rejection from me, I soldier on blindly thinking that I’m being helpful when in fact I’m causing hurt.

In cases like the one with my friend who could not find the keys to her home, rejection helps me slow down.

It’s like getting cold water dumped on my hot head.

Rejection says:

· Stop

· Pick your head up and see the big picture

· Take an empathy pill, and

· Listen and hear what’s really needed.

When I do this, then maybe, just maybe, I can actually do what my sincere intention is – to help relieve the distress of a friend.

More stories from Colleen: https://medium.com/disconnected-by-colleen-mcfarland

Check out Colleen’s book: https://www.colleenmcfarland.us/disconnected

30 Day Rejection Challenge - the Change of our lives

Authors: Crispin & Tim, podcaster (Germany)

Chrispin and Tim in New Zealand

Tim and I reached out to Jia a few weeks ago because we wanted to express our immense gratitude for his influence on our lives.

Our story starts around noon, November 13, 2018… …

I, Crispin, am currently traveling through New Zealand. I am 18 years old, just graduated high school and ready to take my life into my own hands. Right on my second day after arrival I had met Tim, another young guy from Germany who traveled to New Zealand for the same reason. On that Tuesday, November 13, 2018, I show Tim the youtube video of Jia Jiang’s Tedx talk ‘What I learned from 100 days of rejection.’ We both watch it in awe, thinking: “Wow. This sounds crazy.” On the same note we are also deeply inspired.

We look at each other - knowing we are both thinking the same thing.

Let’s do this, we said.

The first challenge: Borrow 100 bucks from a stranger.

Easy.

Not so easy. After figuring out who is gonna start we find ourselves trying to approach the first person. Nearly impossible. For some reason the simple act of stopping a person and casually asking them to lend us 100 bucks turns out to be one of the most uncomfortable things we have ever done. We see a person, start to walk in their direction and … turn around. This seems to be so hard for some reason! But we start out again. And again. And again. And then, almost 30 minutes later, I find myself simply opening up my mouth. I hear the words “Excuse me, can I borrow 100 bucks from you?” coming out of my mouth.

It was this moment that I felt the biggest relief of my life. It was also this moment that made me realize once again why we were doing what we set out to do. Both Tim and I came to New Zealand after high school for a reason. We wanted to develop ourselves. We wanted to come back home as the person we dreamed of being. And it was that moment I knew that my life would never be the same again.

This day was the start of the journey in which Tim and I broke free from the limitations we had set ourselves growing up. On the same afternoon, we set ourselves the audacious goal of doing one rejection challenge a day for 30 consecutive days. And our journey kept going ever after.

Now, two and a half years later I can say that - oh man - change is possible.

It is the confidence I have now, it is my girlfriend, my Podcast ‘With the Right People’ and the life I live now that keep reminding me of this life-changing experience back in New Zealand. And since Tim is one of my best friends ever since, I can assure that it’s the same for him.

Tim and I keep Jia’s Tedx talk and the message it entails among the top influences of our lives.

Keep going on your mission!

Moving Beyond Rejection to Enter Your Personal Power

Author: Linda T., Executive Coach

(Washington, USA)

How many of you go through life thinking about and then answering the question, "What is the worst thing that can happen?" I invite and encourage you to rewrite this disempowering script playing in your head that contemplates an upcoming rejection. The next time you find yourself in a situation when that thing you want most to happen is at stake, what if, for a moment, you flip the internal conversation you are having with yourself to,

"What is the best thing that can happen?"

Why am I sharing this now?

I wanted more than anything to teach a facilitated workshop where I could share with individuals how they could change their environment and find resiliency when faced with adversity and find hope again. When I worked with a life coach who helped me navigate through the darkness and find my spark, I was inspired to step up and into my calling to serve people. But, I didn't see how I could do this without the certifications that people often ask for you to provide.

My coach didn't see this as the barrier that I did. Instead, he invited me to take action and ask for a meeting at a local college to open a door for a discussion. I waited about a year before I thought I was ready. Then one day, I decided that instead of fearing the dreaded no and feeling defeated in answering my call to serve others, I changed my internal script to what if they said yes and I could honor my desire to make an impact?

Not only did I get a meeting, I received much more. I accepted an assignment to write a class proposal, create a course description, and fill out and sign a paid contract to teach!

What is the importance of sharing this? I walked in with the single purpose of sharing my passion and desire to deliver an impactful lunch and learn on the subject of resiliency to improve people's outlook. My ability to be received was less about my credentials and more about communicating with conviction.

I learned that when I chose to focus on rejection or not getting what I asked for, it held me back. The cost for this limited way of thinking is high because it robs you of the ability to create experiences that provide the visibility to live truthfully in your power. When we can courageously move beyond this fear and honor our right to ask for things that can be ours, we live a life we believe we are worthy of receiving.

Rejection is Redirection

Author: Chris A., Business owner (England, UK)

“I’m sorry, we’ve decided to go with a different agency. We feel they were a better fit for us.”

Those words hit me like a sledgehammer. I respectfully acknowledged the Managing Director’s decision and wished him all the best with his marketing campaign, but in reality I was gutted.

And it’s weird, because deep down I knew they weren’t the best fit for us.

As a marketing agency, we specialize in helping businesses within the construction and interiors sector, and this particular business we pitched to was slightly outside of those realms. But still had some interest within the construction sector.

I knew working with these guys would have been a challenge, so being rejected by them shouldn’t have been so much of an issue. But it was.

Being rejected just brought out so many negative feelings and the imposter syndrome monster reared its ugly head. ‘Are we not good enough as an agency?’ ‘Maybe I’m not cut out to run a business.’ ‘People just don’t think I’m good enough.’

It took me a few days to dust myself down. I try and work on my mindset every day whether it’s meditation, expressing gratitude, exercise or reading books. So I was trying to work out why it was affecting me so much. I read Jia Jiang’s Rejection Proof earlier this year and his first rejection challenge called out to me, where Jia ran away from the security guard without asking why the guard said no.

After a few days I emailed the business we pitched our services to and who rejected us, thanking them for their time and asking them what their reasons were.

I felt like I needed closure and a reason why the company said ‘no’ to us and our marketing services. Was it because they didn’t like me or didn’t think I was good enough, like my overactive, negative mind had decided?

No.

The guy’s answer was fairly short and sweet. He told me the other agency they saw had a better experience in their direct line of business, and felt they could achieve more, or in his words ‘move the needle’ for them.

Brilliant!

Now I had closure, all of Jia’s book and advice on how to deal with rejection came flooding back.

Being rejected in this instance was nothing to do with us or our ability as an agency, or indeed my ability as a business owner. It was all about the other business and their decision to use another agency.

It just wasn’t meant to be. And in fact it was a positive thing that they chose the other agency who was a better fit. Who knows, they could have turned out to be a difficult client due to the difficult fit between our business and theirs.

I’m learning to embrace rejection more now, and dare I say, actually enjoy being rejected now. We’ve learned as a business it’s so important to work with the right people, and not work with the wrong people.

Rejection is redirection.

Rejection Is Only a Key to the Door of Relentlessness

Author: Andrada S., Student (Miami, USA)

The idea that rejection is nothing but destruction is deeply embedded in our being. We take it personally, and we spiral into a self-inflicting journey where instead of finding ways of achieving our dreams we end up being lethargic. Yet, rejection is nothing but a big, fat gift.

My rejection journey started pretty abruptly when I packed my bags and moved to an alienated country – the United Kingdom. After the honeymoon stage (which lasted about a week) where everything around me seemed new and exciting, I got hit in the face by a humongous, red, double-decker bus called rejection. It was brutal!

Culturally and socially, most things were a shock to me, even the famous British “politeness” that seemed to have faded. If you just visit London for a couple of weeks, you would probably love it (I would too). When you are trying to settle down as an immigrant, it is obvious that the British politeness doesn’t wait for you with its arms open. If you have a strong accent, the majority of British people tend to be more judgemental than you would expect and you might be met with disapproval and criticism. (Now, imagine the noise you hear when a contestant on America's Got Talent gets an X.) Beep! Rejected! When socializing and expressing my opinions  in regard to family and female/ male roles, I was often met with objection. Beep! Rejected! The UK is a highly individualistic country and if you come from a collective culture, you might feel rejected at every corner as everyone is fighting for themselves and they are less willing to help you adapt. When applying for jobs I was met with the same type of disapproval. I was rejected by many industries, including the cleaning and the hospitality industries which don't require many academic skills, yet I still couldn’t get employed.

All the values I followed my whole life were scattered and it made me overly conscious about what I can say or not/ do or not. I wasn’t able to portray who I truly was or what I have to offer because I felt that my ideas and attributes weren’t a fit with the culture or anything at this point. I fought the rejection of others with my own rejection when I should have answered back with persistence. 

However, all the walls that I faced, transformed me into a much better person and one of the things that helped me move past all the rejection was educating myself.

After feeling rejected on all fronts, I started analyzing why I was being rejected and how I can use rejection to my benefit. In a way I was blaming the British culture for my failings. Yet, I had to understand that every culture is different and adapting to it is going to take time and effort. Once I shifted my mindset, I started putting in more work in improving my speech/pronunciation, in writing better resumes and in accepting change. Slowly but surely, things got better, I found a job and got accepted into a university.

At the end of the day, rejection is only a key to the door of relentlessness, and relentless is the door to a room filled with success. 

[Love Investor] Why You Have to Invest

Disclaimers:

1. This blog is about a radically intuitive way to invest in the stock market and generate wealth. If you invest with these principles, the odds are you will become a very successful “love-term” investor. However, the stock market is inherently risky, especially in the short-term. Use your own judgement and common sense.

2. If you indeed become a Love Investor, you will be disbelieved and ridiculed by many people and “money experts” who either are in the dark, or have interests in keeping you from investing your own money. If you just want to be liked or understood, let them manage your money or invest in an index fund. But if you want to generate long-term wealth with your own love, read on.

When I was a 13-year-old boy, I was fed up with schools. I hated literature, loathed math (I know it’s hard to believe), and despised history. I liked physics only because my teacher was both funny and good looking. So one day, I asked my father, “why do I need to go to school?”

“So you can gain knowledge,” he gave the most standard and boring answer.

“What’s knowledge good for?” I followed.

“So you can get a good job,” he tried to conclude.

“Why do I need a good job?” I kept up.

“So you can make lots of money,” he again tried to conclude.

“Why do I need that much money?” I kept asking.

I believe this was when he realized he was entangled with his son in a conversation where one party kept asking why, which will inevitably descend into a one-sided philosophical discourse that would drive him mad.

Instead of being frustrated or shutting down, he took a breath, looked me straight in the eyes, and gave me an answer that was the mother of all answers:

“You make a lot of money, so an awesome woman will be willing to marry you someday. And when she asks whether she can buy something expensive, instead of you arguing with her on why she shouldn’t waste the money, you chide her for even bothering you with this question and wasting your time. ‘Just buy it!’ That’s what you tell her. That way you’d never need a divorce.” He answered.

“Got it!” I remember the confused 13-year-old answered.

I needed to have money, so I don’t get a divorce someday. I can poke a thousand holes into his answer, which was either a flooding technique aimed to overwhelm me from keeping asking more WHYs or his way of keeping-it-real. I don’t even know how much that reasoning influenced me over the years. But all I know is that money hasn’t been an issue for me because of my investment. Today I am blissfully married with two kids, and my wife and I have never discussed divorce. Now you can see why my father has been my best male friend, and I still go to him for all kinds of sage advice today.

Wise fathers know how to answer tough questions

When it comes to money, our society cannot make up its collective mind. For a while in our country, people worshiped Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Elon Musk, and ate up everything they say as the truth, just because they are rich and successful. In other periods, it was cool to hate money or the idea of being rich. It was as if the process of making money would inevitably turn you into a greedy bastard.

I am not here to make any moral argument about money, but I can indeed tell you, having money, in many ways, helps a lot in your life. It determines whether or when you can buy a house, when you get to retire comfortably, if you can start your own business without going hungry, if you can raise a family without stress, and if you can help your future kids with their tuitions so they won’t be locked in debt, like many in our generation are. Oh, money indeed helps with preventing divorce.

So how do you have money? Well, it depends on three factors:

1. How much money you will make

2. How much money you will save/invest

3. How much return your saving and investment will generate

There are many blogs, books, and podcasts that talk about making and saving money. The currently popular FIRE (Financial Independence, Retire Early) Movement has taught and inspired many millennials and Gen Zs to increase income streams, radically cut spending, and save for early retirement. They are great tools, but are not my expertise the emphasis of this place. Here at Love Investor, I will mainly focus on #3, generating returns on your investment. In fact, I will demonstrate to you that the choices you make on saving/investing your money will have as much impact, if not more, on your financial wellbeing and retirement plans over the long-term.

What to do with your savings has huge long-term ramifications

Say there are three people, Amy, Brian and Chris, all at age 30. After some initial struggles with career search and managing and paying off debt, they finally have decent jobs and some money to spare. The days of living paycheck-to-paycheck is gone. It’s time to think about saving for the future.

Determined and disciplined, they have decided to save $1,000 per month. Where do you put the money? Where would you be at age 65? (By the way, I am not saying that’s when they decide to retire. They might want to retire early or later. But for the sake of argument, let’s use 65 as a discussion point).

Amy is a conservative saver who believes that you shouldn’t risk any money in the up-and-down markets. So she does something safe: opening up a high-yield savings account. As of Feb 2020, their interests are at 0.4%. We are in a historically low-interest environment. For the sake of argument, let’s bump it up to an annualized return of 2%. If she consistently saves $1,000 and put it in this account, where would she be at age 65?

Brian, on the other hand, wants to invest using stocks. He understands the power of compound interests and the need to invest in the long term, but he doesn’t believe in picking individual stocks. Over the past 80 years, the stock market has returned about 10% per year. Brian puts his $1,000 per month into an S&P 500 Index fund. No, past performance doesn’t indicate future ones, but for the sake of argument, say Brian’s investment will grow 10% into the future through its ups and downs. Where will it be on Brian’s 65th birthday?

Let’s enter Chris, who, through some amazing investment strategy, actually out-performances the market. According to Warren Buffett, a benchmark for a great return is 15% per year. For the sake of argument, let’s use that return for calculation purposes: 15% annual return for his 1,000/month saving. Where would that put Chris at age 65?

The answer for these three people are:

Amy the Saver (2%): $607,548
Brian the Index Investor (10%): $3,796,638
Chris the Great Investor (15%): $14,677,180

How you invest your savings can mean being poor and being very rich over the long term

Many people understand the power of compound interests (Albert Einstein calls it the 8th wonder of the universe), so you might not be that surprised by the difference in returns between Amy the saver (at 2%) and Brian the index investor (at 10%). That 8% difference in annualized returns will result in a $3,189,090 difference in total number over 35 years, going from retiring poorly to retiring comfortably.

However, people are generally shocked by the results of Brian, the index investor (10%), and Chris the great investor (15%). That 5% difference in annual returns will result in an astounding $10,880,539, which is the difference between being comfortable to being rich.

Let’s take one step further. If the fourth person, Diane, through some voodoo magic, is able to achieve a 20% annual return, she would retire at 65 with $62,049,317. That number, using a Silicon Valley term that describes tech entrepreneurs getting rich, is called “F U money.” (It comes from the fantasy that when you quit your job, your terrible boss tells you “you can’t quit”, you tell him off while showing him your bank account.)

Even with the understanding of compound interest, most people can’t comprehend how a small increase in the annual return on the upper range can have a jarring impact over the long-term. That percentage of outperforming the market, whether it’s 2%, 5%, or 10%, is called alpha. That alpha can determine the fate of your retirement and long-term wealth.

“That all sounds fantastic,” you might say, “but where can I generate a guaranteed long-term return of 15%? Just tell me where to deposit the money (along with which lottery number to buy). Thank you very much!” Well, it won’t be that easy, and there is certainly no guarantee. Investing in anything other than the US Treasuries bonds (generally considered the safest investment) will inherently incur risks. But I am here to teach you a fun, active-passive (I’ll explain this later) investment strategy called Love Investing to help you outperform the stock market and achieve alpha.

My actual Love Portfolio since 2016 compared to the S&P 500. I’ll teach you to build yours.

To learn this strategy, here are what you don’t need:

1. Complicated maths and financial knowledge: I’ll reveal a secret to you: I’m only OK with math. I know I probably dishonored my ancestors by admitting this, but don’t let the stereotype trip you up. I didn’t achieve this return based on complex statistical and financial understanding. If you know some basic arithmetic, like division and fraction, you can do it.

2. Existing savings: This is not like investing in startups which requires a decent amount to get you in the door. Love Investing is all about investing in stocks of publicly traded companies. You should start today, whether you are 25, 30 or 40. You can invest any amount, starting with your next batch of saving, whether it’s $500 or $5,000.

Here are what you do need:

1. What you already know. “Follow your heart” is one of the cheesiest movie lines you can get, but it is the foundation of Love Investing. You already know which companies to invest in. I am here to introduce you the methodology to pull it out of you and build a portfolio you will love.

2. Willingness to be different. When you mention what you are doing to your family, friends, or ‘experts’ in the future, many people will scream the conventional wisdom at you: “Stock investing is too risky; You can’t beat the market. You need to invest in an index fund.” Ignore them if you don’t like them anyway. But if you like them, show them your return chart and point them to this website. They will thank you later.

3. Patience: again, there is no guarantee in investing. Stocks go up and down daily. You might see short-term pops and dips. But over the long-term, the market (S&P 500) has generated 10% return over the decades. To generating alpha returns, you will also need to invest in the long-term. If you can’t stomach a March 2020 COVID style market correction, you shouldn’t do this. Because it will happen again and again. But it’s your patience that will help you capture the opportunity that follows a dip like that.

OK, let’s do this. The goal for my blog is to help you generate market-beating returns over the long-run, so you can have the financial freedom that will make you and your spouse (or future spouse) stay married. Someday when your kids ask you, “why am I born”? You mention me as the reason. That’s all I ask.

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If you read the articles above and TRULY love the premise and writing, and want to invest using this method, I am inviting you to become one of Love Investor’s 1,000 True Fans. I want to learn more about you, and write with you in mind. I will also personally answer your emails. The invitation will close once 1,000 is reached. If you don't love my writing, please do not fill the info. I want to save the space for true lovers.

[Cracking Resolutions] Weapon 1 - Developing a Routine

Do you know what words I dreaded the most from my mom growing up? It wasn't "have you done your homework" or "why are you so messy?"

What I disliked the most was "what do you want to eat today?" She would ask me this question every morning.

"I don't know, mom! I'll eat anything you cook." I would reply.

"What do you like?" she would ask again. No, it's not the same question. She changed 'want' to 'like,' somehow always tweaking a word or two to make it OK so she could repeat the question.

"I don't care! Just give me anything!" I would answer with a little exacerbation.

"No. What do you want?" She would change the word from 'like' back to 'want' to make it OK to repeat the question the third time.

It usually ended with me picking the same thing I had yesterday. And she would tell me to pick something new, and I would get frustrated and tell her to stop nagging me, and she would tell me how ungrateful I was. I was already tired from the choosing and arguing before my day had started.

From the look of it, I should have felt great about being able to pick my food. That's freedom, is it? But the reality was that I had no interest in making that choice. Whether important or trivial, making choices takes brain power, which I wanted to reserve for something that's more worthy… like whom I should hang out with school that day, or how I could get away with not doing homework.

Interestingly, I've never tried to figure out why my mother kept asking me these same questions in the first place. Perhaps she also disliked making that choice, so she would continuously attempt to delegate that obligation to me.

Freedom is great... until you have to use it all day every day

In western society, the one thing we value more than anything else is freedom - the freedom to do whatever, to say whatever, and to vote for whomever you want. That freedom works amazingly well for art and innovation, but not so when it comes to productivity. That’s because complete freedom means our mind has to painstakingly make decisions on what to do next frequently. Indeed, researchers have discovered that our executive functions are a limited resource, which would deplete throughout the day as we engage in making choices.

To combat decision fatigue, legendary innovators like Steve Jobs would develop a routine to wear the same clothes and engage in the same morning activities so they can reserve their brainpower for making more important choices.

And developing a routine has become the most important weapon in my journey to conquer New Year’s Resolutions so far this year.


At the beginning of the year, I wrote an article on my 2021 New Year’s resolutions. Because New Year’s resolutions are notoriously impractical and soul crushing, all I wanted to find out was if the act of sticking with and achieving ambitious New Year’s Resolutions is even possible.

When I started, it quickly confirmed my suspicion: it was really, really hard, because of one problem: my free-flowing lifestyle wasn’t conducive to achieving with multiple goals throughout the day.

As an entrepreneur, I had the freedom to set my own schedule. It sounded beautiful in theory but was hellishly chaotic in reality, especially when trying to hit multiple goals. Throughout the day, I had to continually deciding what to do next. By the end, I was not only exhausted from all the choosing, but also wasn’t hitting the goals at all. My night would descend into pleasure-seeking/pain-avoid behaviors, such as watching TV or surfing the web late into the night while eating unhealthy snacks. These behaviors would impact the time and mental state I would get up the next day, and the circle of hell would continue. I just wanted to give up. To get my Tesla Model X, I knew something had to change.

To get this, I need a change

Then the much needed change came: I developed a routine the first time in my life, in order to hit all my goals without having to think what to do next.


Here is my routine:

Every morning, I would have business meetings and run errands from 7-10 am. Then I would drive for 45 minutes to a mostly empty parking lot overlooking the Pacific coast.

During the two-way commute, I would listen to loaded audiobooks and podcasts (habit goal #6: listening to books for 300 hours) to get into the inspired and creative mindset.

Once I arrived, I would park my car in front of the ocean and spend the next 4-5 hours writing (habit goal #1: 1,000 hours of creative work). The beautiful view of the ocean is like a continuous injection of creativity into my brain. Who needs a corner office when you can drive a car to wherever you want and work there all by yourself?

At 6 pm, I would get home, have dinner and chat with my parents (habit goal #9: spending 100 hours with parents). Afterward, I would watch and talk sports with my sons (habit goal #8, spending 500 hours with kids).

After the kids go to bed at 9 pm, I will take a walk with Tracy (habit goal #7: exercise for 6,000 minutes) and talk about the day. After that, I will watch a movie or just hang out.

At 10:45 pm, I will set the goals for the next day (habit goal #3: set daily goals for 200 days), charge my phone in the bathroom (habit goal #4: charge phones out of reach), and get in bed by 11 pm (habit goal #2: go to bed at 11 pm. I changed the goal from "getting up at 5 am," I will explain it later).

Now, the combination of action-based new year’s resolutions plus the daily routine is gloriously effective. I can go through the day while automatically accomplishing my goals. I didn’t have to think. I can simply do. It’s like playing Pac-man, I would seamlessly eat the dots while going through the day. I would preserve my mental energy in making writing choices… such as what’s the next phrase to use here. Do I want to be informative, narrative, sarcastic, or self-deprecating? Now that’s an important choice worthy of killing some brain cells over.


After the day is over and when I hit all my targets, I know I’ve had a good day, no matter what others or even my own feeling at the moment is attempting to persuade me otherwise. I feel liberated, productive, and guilt-free.

With a routine, this is what a day feels like

Based on what I learned from my project so far, I encourage all of you to experiment with the following:

1. Think about the outcomes you want to accomplish in 2021 - the amount of money you want to make, the type of projects you want to finish, and the kind of relationship you want to build. I know it’s February (or whenever you are reading this). It’s not too late! You can still think about these outcomes in the next 11 (or 10, 9, 8…) months. Or it could be just the outcomes for the next month.

2. Based on these outcomes, think about what kind of habits are required to accomplish these outcomes. Make these daily actions your New Year's Resolutions, and use a spreadsheet to track them religiously. If there is one hack that's making my resolutions fun and achievable so far, it's the fact that they are trackable actions.

3. Develop a routine that would hit your resolution goals throughout the day. When Phil Knight gave Nike the iconic marketing phrase – Just Do It, I am sure he meant the determination to achieve athletic heights. But I believe that phrase is even better to describe days governed by routines. Without having to think, without having to choose, you can just do it.